Aries: Your boss thinks you’ve jumped from the frying pan to the fire. They don’t realize you will slide past the fire, leapfrog off the stove and shimmy out of the kitchen until you find the couch and large-screen TV in the den. That’ll show them.

Taurus: People say the best defense is a good offense, but they haven’t tried running while wearing a tie-dyed pinafore and screaming “It’s the aliens again!” Some just aren’t as resourceful as you when it comes to self-defense or competency hearings.

Gemini: It’s fine to wear your feather in your cap, but quit trying to strap a whole chicken to your forehead. Showing off can lead to having your eyelashes plucked out by a hen.

Cancer: Not sure where Thursday is going? As they say, “A wolf in sheep’s clothing needs more talcum powder.” Try to avoid growling and chafing this week.

Leo: Life is a song. Sometimes you hum it quietly, other times you scream the lyrics while swinging a desk lamp around the office. Give your co-workers the lyric sheets so they know when to duck.

Virgo: You think you’ve solved the puzzle, but someone’s grabbed a few of the pieces. Look under the table and behind the fridge. You’ll still have three missing, but unless you want to follow the dog around with a baggie, just figure out the rest on your own.

Libra: If you can’t find your happy place on Friday, borrow someone else’s. One of your buddies isn’t using theirs, and if you cough up some dough they’ll probably even throw in their Netflix password.

Scorpio: You can get back to Nature, but Nature doesn’t want to get back to you. Take the hint after the third swarm of mosquitoes ravages your bare knees and stay inside until October.

Sagittarius: If your dream scares you, then it’s a worthy challenge. But if it dresses like a clown and hangs around in sewers, get out of there. You don’t need dreams that badly.

Capricorn: If someone calls you a good egg, they may be eyeing you for an omelet. Get the shell out of there before you crack.

Aquarius: The universe deals you into a master-level card game this week. Practice your poker face, because you have the winning hand, even without those aces up your sleeve.

Pisces: Lately you feel that for every step forward, you take two steps back. Tell Karma you’re tired of line dancing, and change the beat. Something about you just calls out for the Funky Chicken.

 

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