Aries: In the back of your mind is a little voice telling you what you can’t accomplish. Time to give that negative Nellie an atomic wedgie, and blast her out of your psyche.

Taurus: You don’t want to go on because things are tough. But, honestly, when have things ever been easy with you? The universe will help when you quit being a diva.

Gemini: Wearing your heart on your sleeve doesn’t accomplish much, but touting your gallbladder on your pants leg means you get a whole bench to yourself on the subway.

Cancer: Your immediate reactions are fine, it’s when you stop and think that causes trouble. Clear away the smoke coming out of your ears; it’s time to change the oil in your brain.

Leo: Oh sure, it’s all fun and games until someone loses the bag of snakes in the breakroom. After that, it’s screaming and mayhem and someone setting the coffeemaker on fire. So, you know, a typical Thursday.

Virgo: Laugh like you haven’t a care in the world, love like you don’t have a clue. You’ll end up with a sore throat and herpes, but you’ll have some great stories to share at the clinic.

Libra: Monday is a gamechanger for you, because you’ll go from Minecraft to the Game of Thrones edition of Monopoly. Only pass GO if you’re dragon-proof and bring a fresh pair of shorts.

Scorpio: A pretty girl is like a melody; you get one refrain stuck in your head for days and you’re ready to put your face in a blender. Next time, skip the looks and go for someone with personality and a closet stocked with batteries. They’ll know how to change your tune.

Sagittarius: It’s not easy being green. Get up to speed in your new profession, because no one’s kissing frogs to promote them to royalty anymore. Princesses don’t have time for that.

Capricorn: You can explain all you want, but there’s still a huge scorch mark on the couch and a rip through space and time in the carpet. Your sweetie is going to be pissed. Buy some flowers and call Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Aquarius: The secret to a good attitude? Buy them in bulk. Why wear one out when they come in 12-packs and you can sport a fresh one every day? It’s even better if you get a Groupon.

Pisces: No one knows your full potential unless you show it to them. Just make sure it’s fully dressed first, so you won’t have an uncomfortable conversation in the HR office.

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