Aries:  Some days the glass is half-full, other days it is half-empty. On Friday, the universe takes away your glass and replaces it with a Lightning McQueen sippy cup. Try to resist the urge to fill it with vodka.

Taurus: Finding the beauty in life is its own reward. Then again, so is finding a bag of unmarked bills hidden in the flower bushes near the playground.

Gemini: Tuesday is a great bargain, but keep the receipt on Thursday. Pretty sure Karma didn’t mean to add three extra ferrets to your morning routine, especially after they used up all the K-cup espresso in the breakroom. Don’t worry, you’ll stay awake through the day when they constantly nibble on your extremities.

Cancer: Use your sexiest voice at the coffee shop, and you’ll get that latte for free. You also may get a barista who constantly wants to serenade you with acapella versions of Barry Manilow death metal, but that’s the risk you take for being irresistible.

Leo: You like to keep people on their toes, but hiding their shoes and scattering Legos across the floor is going too far.  Forget the tootsie torture and just tell people your views on space aliens and waffles instead.

Virgo: Every rose has its thorns, but it’s still illegal to ask Rose to strip down before she gives you that quarterly report. Enjoy your 12-hour sensitivity training in HR, and watch out, because Rose has taken up archery.

Libra: Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’re going to slosh a lot during your gym session. Wish for sunny skies while you take your 37th bathroom break during Zumba class. At least you get top marks from the instructor for being hydrated.

Scorpio: On Saturday, you find the true meaning of life in a dimly lit thrift store. Too bad the secrets of the universe are on a Betamax tape, and you only have a Blu-ray DVD player at home.

Sagittarius: Love is love is love, except when there’s pizza. If someone insists on anchovies and pineapple together, dump them. You don’t need that kind of insanity in your life.

Capricorn: You think this week will be all Lisa Frank posters and unicorns, but watch out. That unicorn in the corner is really a horse with a party hat, and it wants to fight you after two beers.

Aquarius: After last Friday, you’re no longer picky. Forget a good thing in a small package, you’ll score a mediocre whatsit in a crumpled gift bag.

Pisces: The future isn’t as scary if you break it up into little bits, but don’t crumble your days too much or you’ll have birds swooping in to gobble them up.

 

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