Aries: The sky isn’t falling, but it might be throwing a few spitballs at you on Friday. Carry a fire-proof umbrella or learn to duck, because those suckers flame up on atmosphere re-entry.

Taurus: Words not only fail you this week, they slap a pointy dunce hat on you and stick you in the corner. Fortunately, your actions are a lot louder, especially if they’re top notch.

Gemini: You can be a good egg or a very naughty omelet. Depends on how cracked you are, and if anyone whips you up into a frenzy. Tell them to throw in a little cheese and spice, too.

Cancer: Dance like no one’s watching, sing like no one’s listening, and wear some Axe body spray like no one’s sniffing. Two days later, you really will be alone.

Leo: You’ve blown past burning your candle at both ends; now you’re just sticking a propane torch directly into the vat of wax. Take a break before you have a complete meltdown.

Virgo: Someone else has the last word, but don’t worry, you get the last laugh. Mainly because they don’t know how to pronounce “cavalry.” Get back up on your high horse and ride off into the sunset.

Libra: When someone says it’s a mad world, do something nice for them. After that, they’ll just think it’s a hangry world in need of a good snack. It’s a step.

Scorpio: Don’t photocopy your private parts and staple them to your personnel review. That’s so old school. Take a pic and text it to your boss like you belong in this century.

Sagittarius: You think the fire-breathing dragon is trying to toast your tuckus, but really it just has bad heartburn and asthma. Wave a white flag and some Tums, and soon you’ll be besties.

Capricorn: Look on the bright side of life too much, and you’ll need some aloe vera for that sunburn. Relax, you don’t have to bask in the light all the time. Occasionally a creep through the darkened hallways of your mind will do you good.

Aquarius: Look for a spot of luck on Thursday. If you stretch it just right, that spot could grow into an oddly shaped stain of good fortune that covers the whole carpet.

Pisces: Everything feels like a struggle, but that’s because you have the strength to fight. Build those muscles with some planks and curls so you can show the world who’s boss. Don’t forget leg day, either.

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