You are currently browsing the monthly archive for June 2017.

Aries:  Some days the glass is half-full, other days it is half-empty. On Friday, the universe takes away your glass and replaces it with a Lightning McQueen sippy cup. Try to resist the urge to fill it with vodka.

Taurus: Finding the beauty in life is its own reward. Then again, so is finding a bag of unmarked bills hidden in the flower bushes near the playground.

Gemini: Tuesday is a great bargain, but keep the receipt on Thursday. Pretty sure Karma didn’t mean to add three extra ferrets to your morning routine, especially after they used up all the K-cup espresso in the breakroom. Don’t worry, you’ll stay awake through the day when they constantly nibble on your extremities.

Cancer: Use your sexiest voice at the coffee shop, and you’ll get that latte for free. You also may get a barista who constantly wants to serenade you with acapella versions of Barry Manilow death metal, but that’s the risk you take for being irresistible.

Leo: You like to keep people on their toes, but hiding their shoes and scattering Legos across the floor is going too far.  Forget the tootsie torture and just tell people your views on space aliens and waffles instead.

Virgo: Every rose has its thorns, but it’s still illegal to ask Rose to strip down before she gives you that quarterly report. Enjoy your 12-hour sensitivity training in HR, and watch out, because Rose has taken up archery.

Libra: Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’re going to slosh a lot during your gym session. Wish for sunny skies while you take your 37th bathroom break during Zumba class. At least you get top marks from the instructor for being hydrated.

Scorpio: On Saturday, you find the true meaning of life in a dimly lit thrift store. Too bad the secrets of the universe are on a Betamax tape, and you only have a Blu-ray DVD player at home.

Sagittarius: Love is love is love, except when there’s pizza. If someone insists on anchovies and pineapple together, dump them. You don’t need that kind of insanity in your life.

Capricorn: You think this week will be all Lisa Frank posters and unicorns, but watch out. That unicorn in the corner is really a horse with a party hat, and it wants to fight you after two beers.

Aquarius: After last Friday, you’re no longer picky. Forget a good thing in a small package, you’ll score a mediocre whatsit in a crumpled gift bag.

Pisces: The future isn’t as scary if you break it up into little bits, but don’t crumble your days too much or you’ll have birds swooping in to gobble them up.

 

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Aries: The sky isn’t falling, but it might be throwing a few spitballs at you on Friday. Carry a fire-proof umbrella or learn to duck, because those suckers flame up on atmosphere re-entry.

Taurus: Words not only fail you this week, they slap a pointy dunce hat on you and stick you in the corner. Fortunately, your actions are a lot louder, especially if they’re top notch.

Gemini: You can be a good egg or a very naughty omelet. Depends on how cracked you are, and if anyone whips you up into a frenzy. Tell them to throw in a little cheese and spice, too.

Cancer: Dance like no one’s watching, sing like no one’s listening, and wear some Axe body spray like no one’s sniffing. Two days later, you really will be alone.

Leo: You’ve blown past burning your candle at both ends; now you’re just sticking a propane torch directly into the vat of wax. Take a break before you have a complete meltdown.

Virgo: Someone else has the last word, but don’t worry, you get the last laugh. Mainly because they don’t know how to pronounce “cavalry.” Get back up on your high horse and ride off into the sunset.

Libra: When someone says it’s a mad world, do something nice for them. After that, they’ll just think it’s a hangry world in need of a good snack. It’s a step.

Scorpio: Don’t photocopy your private parts and staple them to your personnel review. That’s so old school. Take a pic and text it to your boss like you belong in this century.

Sagittarius: You think the fire-breathing dragon is trying to toast your tuckus, but really it just has bad heartburn and asthma. Wave a white flag and some Tums, and soon you’ll be besties.

Capricorn: Look on the bright side of life too much, and you’ll need some aloe vera for that sunburn. Relax, you don’t have to bask in the light all the time. Occasionally a creep through the darkened hallways of your mind will do you good.

Aquarius: Look for a spot of luck on Thursday. If you stretch it just right, that spot could grow into an oddly shaped stain of good fortune that covers the whole carpet.

Pisces: Everything feels like a struggle, but that’s because you have the strength to fight. Build those muscles with some planks and curls so you can show the world who’s boss. Don’t forget leg day, either.

Aries: Look deep inside and do some mental housecleaning. In the couch cushions of your mind, you’ll find an old Blockbuster receipt, two ancient Skittles and a weird memory from summer camp.  Toss all of that, spray a little Febreeze and you’re fresh as a daisy for the weeks ahead.

Taurus: Tuesday presents you with an opportunity. You can encourage it to bloom or stomp on it like an errant weed.  It wouldn’t hurt to develop some gardening skills, so life could smell a little sweeter.

Gemini: Time moves fast, but so do lizards on the sidewalk. Both can be fun to watch if you hold still for a few minutes, especially when that lizard runs up the pants leg of your snobby co-worker.

Cancer: Nobody’s perfect, but you could aim for at least being semi-normal once in a while. If you don’t, Karma will slap an “irregular” tag on you and ship you off to some discount outlet store.

Leo: Take a breath. Take another. There, now you have some oxygen getting to the brain and you can see how bad your new plan is. Think up something new, and keep that breathing habit.

Virgo: Thursday is fine, but Friday gooses you like that weird guy at the bus station. Keep an eye on it, and your back to the wall.

Libra: If you stay on the straight and narrow, you’ll never learn to handle the curves. Get out and find a crazy new road, so you’ll see what this baby can do.

Scorpio: Stop and smell the roses, but don’t get too close. There’s a bee named Merle who has it out for you because he saw what you did in the garden last month.

Sagittarius: Some days you’re the moth, some days you’re the flame, and other days you just wonder who started this fire in the trash can. Don’t worry, you’ve had three cups of coffee; you know how to put it out.

Capricorn: Admit it. You’re tired of the same old crazy. Head over to the conspiracy singles mixer and pick up a brand new crazy; you’ll both look great in tinfoil hats.

Aquarius: Time to get into shape for bikini season! You’ll be on your third sit-up when you realize your best shape is a trapezoid. Good thing you bought a very stretchy thong and some water-resistant tassels.

Pisces: You believe your thoughts make beautiful music of the mind but in reality, it sounds like two mice having a wild party on a keytar.  Good thing is, you can still dance to it.

 

Aries: You don’t have to worry about a fox in the henhouse, but you should be concerned about the wombat in the dishwasher. He doesn’t have any experience in plumbing, so you really should call a professional. And a zookeeper.

Taurus: The bull is slow to anger, which is good, but you’re also slow in everything else, too. Congratulations on making your sweetie happy and finally taking the Christmas lights down.

Gemini: A spoonful of honey makes the medicine go down, and it also keeps someone else quiet while you’re trying to talk. Bring a whole bottle and a box of spoons for your Friday afternoon meeting if you want to start your weekend on time.

Cancer: Monday is filled with laughter, but it might not be yours. Keep your zipper up and your cranky face on, and you’ll make it through unscathed. To save everyone else from certain doom, though, you’ll need your coffee.

Leo: You know what needs to be done, but you’re pretty sure your co-workers won’t like it. That’s okay, once you start your evil plan, they’ll be replaced by Swedish fem-bots and trained ferrets anyway.

Virgo: Climbing the ladder to success doesn’t mean life is easy at the top; once you run out of steps, you’ll just be dangling by your wits. Tie a knot in that rope and hang on until you strap on that parachute.

Libra: Romance is in the air, but it will fall out of the sky dead if you pick up that Axe body spray one more time. Get kinky instead; a dash of Pam nonstick cooking spray will raise eyebrows and pulses.

Scorpio: In order to find inner peace, you should choose a personal mantra. Anyone can chant “Om,” but you’ll only hit the higher planes if yours includes gas station burritos, Barry Manilow and hot goat yoga.

Sagittarius: Everyone makes mistakes, but you’ve rocketed beyond amateur status and are now floating around drunken rock star territory. Try to get at least one thing right this week, before you escalate to politician status.

Capricorn: When your family said they wanted to see more of you, that thong is not what they meant. Cover up those butt cheeks during your poolside BBQ, before you have an awkward collision with the ketchup bottle.

Aquarius: Life is beautiful on Tuesday, mainly because Karma discovered Instagram filters. Pucker those lips and go with the illusion; everyone needs a good selfie now and then.

Pisces: Your dreams are like soap bubbles: some you chase until they float away, and others pop in your face. On Wednesday, one finally lands gently in your hand. Hurry to make it a reality before the dog bites it.