Aries: The path not taken is calling to you, but you shouldn’t listen to things when you can’t see where they keep their brains. That goes for unruly trails, old diaries and the odd boss now and again.

Taurus: Take a deep breath. Now another. Like that? Quit messing around with something you shouldn’t. Whether it’s a locked safe or an innocent-looking hottie, you could speed past the planet of pleasure and end up in a world of hurt.

Gemini: Shhh! The walls have ears. And a few buck teeth. Don’t discuss secrets while you’re hanging out in the mad scientist’s castle, go down to the nearest Starbucks instead. All you have to fear there are overwrought hipsters and unicorn coffees.

Cancer: It’s always darkest just before dawn. That’s because Dawn carries three high-beam LED flashlights, a portable spotlight and a sunny disposition. Whatever funk you’re in, she can see the way out.

Leo: It’s easy to get wrapped up in a line of thinking, but occasionally your brain needs a breeze. Loosen those mummy bandages and air out your gray matter; you might spot a better, less tangled method to your madness.

Virgo: Reconsider that thing you’re planning on Thursday. The thing on Friday is fine, though. And the thing on Saturday isn’t completely horrible. If you can’t keep your things straight, it’s time for a new calendar or better underwear.

Libra: Today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present. Also, someone stuck a giant bow on Monday. It’s probably socks. Hey, no one ever said the present was a good gift.

Scorpio: Your co-workers rally around you this week. Either they think you’re about to be promoted, or you’ll be fired in a glorious drama-fest that involves dancing on the boss’ desk. If you can’t keep your cool, pass out the popcorn early.

Sagittarius: You don’t have to be beautiful to get ahead in this world, but it does distract the idiots so you can get things done. If you can’t look better, tape a photo of Ryan Reynolds to your back so everyone has something to stare at while you work.

Capricorn: Find your happy place, and you’ll be okay by yourself. Do it right, and you won’t even need accessories or the batteries than run them. You’ll glow on your own.

Aquarius: A helping hand is always appreciated, until it tries to grab you where it shouldn’t. Bend a few of those fingers back and they’ll learn to not touch your shoulder tattoo of Spongebob riding a taco in a thunderstorm.

Pisces: The world changes, and it’s hard for you to keep up. Helpful hint: tube tops and hammer pants should only be worn to Walmart, the DMV or around the house. Change into your best latex jumpsuit for PTA meetings.

 

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