You are currently browsing the monthly archive for May 2017.

Aries: If something goes awry, all is not lost. It’s simply misplaced. Look for your ambition under the sofa, and check the medicine cabinet for your courage. Whatever you do, leave the bottom drawer in the fridge alone.

Taurus: On Tuesday, you’ll awaken with a start, which is more exercise than you’ve had in weeks. Keep that heart pounding with a brief jog or by looking at the interest on your student loans.

Gemini: Congratulations! You’ve achieved a lifelong dream. Of course there will be letters from those against cruelty to rutabagas, but you can ignore the haters. You have triumphed over produce.

Cancer: You’re like a sugared-up hamster: wild, wooly, and ready to bite. No one should try to corral you, unless they, too, have a fascination with wheels and like to snuggle in wood shavings. If so, you’ve met your next sweetie.

Leo: Feeling fit as a fiddle? A special day is coming up, to prepare to whip out that bow and make those strings sing. You’ll have your hands full, so try not to drop that bass.

Virgo: Wednesday brings you trembling legs, sweaty palms and dry mouth. Either you’re in love, or you loaded up on expired gas station sushi again. You’ll uncurl from that fetal position by Friday, with a lesson learned.

Libra: Inspiration strikes this week, and it leaves a lightning bolt on your butt. Go ahead, seek out that truckload of mixed nuts, five AAA batteries and a kite, but add a camera too. No one should miss the moment you make YouTube history.

Scorpio: You find yourself in a tight situation, but belting out “Mandy” by Barry Manilow will set you free. Next time, don’t wear the Chewbacca mask through airport security checkpoints.

Sagittarius: The show must go on, even if you haven’t had your makeup done yet. If you’re not starring in a comedy, you will be, especially when that giant powder puff hits you in the face.

Capricorn: You’re not ready to get back in the saddle, but you can go commando and perch on a pillow until that chafing cools down. Next time, throw some talcum powder in those leather pants before you squirm into them.

Aquarius: Karma thinks you’re looking rather sexy these days. Flutter those lashes and wiggle that butt, because the universe is an excellent sugar daddy.

Pisces: Everyone calling your name can be nice, but not when they do it all at once. It’s not bad to want attention now and again, but you don’t get to choose between a gusher and a trickle. Be ready by the faucet, so you can turn it off when you want.

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Aries: Variety is the spice of life, but you’ve added way too much garlic and cilantro to your mix. Your breath might keep cuties away, but it will also kill vampires on contact, so at least there’s a bright side.

Taurus: If your reach exceeds your grasp, don’t give up. You’re finally showing some ambition, you just need to do some yoga so you can explore the top shelf. Hint: that’s where the keep the really good stuff.

Gemini: You don’t mind the road less traveled, except that you’re getting blisters. Hop off for a while, heal up, then hit that wild path again with new shoes, new attitude and plenty of Band-Aids.

Cancer: You may be a fountain of wisdom, but right now something else is spraying out of you. Avoid crowds until allergy season winds down, because pollen turns you into a snotty lawn sprinkler.

Leo: Some people refuse to see the bright side, and you can’t make them. Forced jazz hands just looks weird. Keep playing your own one-person band, and you may annoy them enough that they give in.

Virgo: Forget the pot of gold; at the end of every rainbow, there’s usually someone taking a selfie instead. But they might buy you dinner if you promise to Instagram it with them, so it’s still a win.

Libra: If music is the food of life, you’re meagerly existing on stale cheese puffs and rubbery country remixes. Shake things up with David Hasselhoff singing Japanese pop music or bagpipe death metal. At the least, you’ll be more interesting.

Scorpio: Grab a comfy chair and have a seat; no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, unless you ordered it on Amazon. Turns out the chief weapons of fear and surprise are beaten by a tracking number and delivery updates.

Sagittarius: Look deeply into your soul. Is that lint? Mold? Your inner being really needs a good spring cleaning. Grab some Comet and a toilet brush, and get busy.

Capricorn: Expanding your horizons is great, but you’ll need to switch your mind from a gas-guzzler to a sleek, efficient Prius brainpower model so you can see all the new sights.

Aquarius: Don’t despair if you find yourself in a rut; just decorate it, install wi-fi and enjoy your new digs. You’ll do fine as long as you don’t try to flip it for a canyon. Something that big is nearly inescapable.

Pisces: You see the world in a different light, mainly because of those psychedelic steampunk goggles you wear. Dance to the beat of your own mechanized, tie-dyed drum, and eventually everyone will follow. Mainly they just want to see where you end up.

Aries: You have a mind that just won’t quit, but it really needs to take a coffee break before it has a meltdown. Give your brain a day off before you end up heavily medicated and holding crayons with your toes.

Taurus: A day without you is like a day without sunshine. Let those around you have a nice, rainy afternoon watching Netflix and eating pizza. After all, they can’t miss you if you’re not gone, and they’ll unlock the garage door for you in the morning.

Gemini: Use your superpowers on Friday to get that big deal you want. What superpower? You know, the one no one ever sees because you don’t want to end up on the news. It’s okay, though, just this one time, because the reward is worth it.

Cancer: Some days you’re the flower, other days you’re the sneeze. Either way, some allergy meds will make Wednesday easier. Or you could just take Benadryl and skip from Tuesday to Friday.

Leo: Inner peace isn’t always about finding a mountaintop and gaining wisdom from a lofty guru. Sometimes it’s knowing you had the restraint to not smack the idiots around today. Good job.

Virgo: To thine own self be true, but feel free to dish out little white fibs to everyone else. Your weight, politics and secret love for the Backstreet Boys will remain your own.

Libra: People say you’re an open book but frankly, you’re not even a one-sided pamphlet. Get some hobbies and conversation skills before you turn into an episode of reality TV.

Scorpio: Someone is rattling your cage, but you know something they don’t; you have the key. Step outside with a smile, and watch them wet themselves before they head for the hills.

Sagittarius: The universe wants an explanation of what you did last Tuesday. This time, don’t blame the dog. Karma knows he can’t drive or throw turnips; and the traffic camera definitely caught your best side.

Capricorn: If your step feels lighter, it’s because Karma is trying to lift your heavy butt over the rough spots. Help it out with some muscle power, instead of dragging your feet and complaining.

Aquarius: Watch out on Saturday. A bad-tempered ferret is coming to town, and it knows what you look like. Stock up on good whiskey and prepare your best distracting small talk.

Pisces: Opportunities fly at you fast, but don’t duck and run away. Grab a helmet and start whacking those suckers out of the park. You could score a pocketful of home runs before the day is done.

Aries: The path not taken is calling to you, but you shouldn’t listen to things when you can’t see where they keep their brains. That goes for unruly trails, old diaries and the odd boss now and again.

Taurus: Take a deep breath. Now another. Like that? Quit messing around with something you shouldn’t. Whether it’s a locked safe or an innocent-looking hottie, you could speed past the planet of pleasure and end up in a world of hurt.

Gemini: Shhh! The walls have ears. And a few buck teeth. Don’t discuss secrets while you’re hanging out in the mad scientist’s castle, go down to the nearest Starbucks instead. All you have to fear there are overwrought hipsters and unicorn coffees.

Cancer: It’s always darkest just before dawn. That’s because Dawn carries three high-beam LED flashlights, a portable spotlight and a sunny disposition. Whatever funk you’re in, she can see the way out.

Leo: It’s easy to get wrapped up in a line of thinking, but occasionally your brain needs a breeze. Loosen those mummy bandages and air out your gray matter; you might spot a better, less tangled method to your madness.

Virgo: Reconsider that thing you’re planning on Thursday. The thing on Friday is fine, though. And the thing on Saturday isn’t completely horrible. If you can’t keep your things straight, it’s time for a new calendar or better underwear.

Libra: Today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present. Also, someone stuck a giant bow on Monday. It’s probably socks. Hey, no one ever said the present was a good gift.

Scorpio: Your co-workers rally around you this week. Either they think you’re about to be promoted, or you’ll be fired in a glorious drama-fest that involves dancing on the boss’ desk. If you can’t keep your cool, pass out the popcorn early.

Sagittarius: You don’t have to be beautiful to get ahead in this world, but it does distract the idiots so you can get things done. If you can’t look better, tape a photo of Ryan Reynolds to your back so everyone has something to stare at while you work.

Capricorn: Find your happy place, and you’ll be okay by yourself. Do it right, and you won’t even need accessories or the batteries than run them. You’ll glow on your own.

Aquarius: A helping hand is always appreciated, until it tries to grab you where it shouldn’t. Bend a few of those fingers back and they’ll learn to not touch your shoulder tattoo of Spongebob riding a taco in a thunderstorm.

Pisces: The world changes, and it’s hard for you to keep up. Helpful hint: tube tops and hammer pants should only be worn to Walmart, the DMV or around the house. Change into your best latex jumpsuit for PTA meetings.