You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April 2017.

Aries: No one likes a spoilsport, although they do like sporty spoilers. If you have a time machine and know who will win the next Super Bowl, you could make a lot of friends.

Taurus: If you keep spinning your wheels, you’ll wear out your bearings. Get someone to pull you out of that rut before you sink any lower into the mire.

Gemini: Congratulations! You’ve won the door prize to the Universe’s Tupperware party! It’s a sandwich crisper that also locks your troubles away so you can deal with them another day. Also works on carrots.

Cancer: Have a song in your heart and you’ll really mess up your next EKG at the cardiologist’s. Bet they’ve never seen Death Metal Bagpipe music in graph form before.

Leo: The world showers you with blessings this week, so quit complaining that you need a towel. Grab some fruity body wash and enjoy the downpour while it lasts. Remember to sprinkle some good fortune behind those ears, too.

Virgo: Someone knows your biggest secret. You could try to set them up with a goat wrangler in black latex and boots, or just wave it off and go on with your life. Your secrets are boring, anyway.

Libra: You will jump for joy on Tuesday. The rest of the days you’ll jump because that giant spider in the bathroom finally hatched her babies. Yay for cardio workouts!

Scorpio: Dreams can soar like an eagle, but watch them; they can also get away from you, like a mylar balloon heading for the power line. If you can’t catch it, at least you’ll have some sparks in your life. And a massive power outage.

Sagittarius: All your opinions are vindicated when someone finally clicks “Like” on that bizarre Facebook meme you posted. Your work here is done, so sign out and see what’s changed outdoors since 2008.

Capricorn: Wednesday may be tough, so stock up on pizza, whiskey and chocolate. Whatever happens, you won’t care by 11 a.m. By 2 p.m., you’ll be sharing inappropriate photos with your old English teacher.

Aquarius: Know what you want in life and go after it, whether you’re zooming like a My Little Pony Ferrari or put-putting down the trail on a moped. It will wait for you, mainly to laugh and point.

Pisces: You’ve never been keen on the ‘fame’ part, but the ‘fortune’ sounds nice. Thanks to your latest project, you’ll slice off a bit of both, plus some cheese, with that sharp wit. Stock up on crackers and wine.

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Aries: Forget about a bucket list; try a thimble list, because you’re not going anywhere and you have some mending to do. This time, don’t sew your mother-in-law to the station wagon.

Taurus: The night is silent, but your brain won’t shut up. Tell it to start its own journal or YouTube channel, as long as it lets you sleep. You’ll probably wake up during the Blush Comparison Make-Up Tutorial video, though.

Gemini: Usually the universe is stingy around you, but on Friday it throws you its wallet and says “Have a blast.” While you’re tempted to blow it all on candy unicorns and good wine, save a little for necessities, like spandex and cheese curls.

Cancer: If you bring a knife to a gunfight, it’s because you plan to stay out of the line of fire and keep score on a nearby picnic table. Use your best penmanship, or you’ll get pelted by paintballs too.

Leo: Sometimes life can feel like a big scene from a movie everyone has seen, except for you. It never hurts to pause the action and grab a script; you don’t want to end up on Karma’s blooper reel.

Virgo: You have all the moves but none of the jazz. Take some rhythm lessons before you break out that next routine. Otherwise, someone might mistakenly rush you to a priest to be exorcised.

Libra: People say “sorry” is the hardest word, but it’s not. It’s impossible to say the word “judicially” without sounding drunk, which is why you use it in every conversation to cover up your five-martini lunches.

Scorpio: Superheroes get sidekicks; sidekicks get hilarious mascots; and mascots get you. No need to vent over it, at least you’re in the comic book, and you get to ask why the Hulk always keeps his pants.

Sagittarius: You’re a tough nut to crack, but someone brought an emotional hammer. Let out those feelings, because they’re so tasty when mixed with chocolate.

Capricorn: Your path would be brighter and easier to walk if you occasionally take your head out of your own butt. Your pants would fit better, and you’d get more compliments, too.

Aquarius: Some days you’re a rich, dark roast perfectly brewed, and other days you’re just vaguely brown and tasteless water. The days you really have to worry, though, are when the coffeemaker reaches sentience and begins its world domination plans through Skynet; that’s the day to go out for coffee.

Pisces: Your problems are like candy bars: break them down into pieces and devour them until they’re gone. Hopefully, there’s some coconut, peanut butter or caramel in there, too, because conquering your fears should come in a delightful array of flavors.

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