Aries: You have style, you have charm, but do you have insurance for all those hearts you’re breaking? Enjoy the attention, but watch out for jilted lovers and less-than-vigilant laws on taser-equipped crossbows.
Taurus: An idea is waiting for you like a prize Easter egg out in the open; scoop that bad boy up before anyone else notices it’s filled with chocolate, money and naughty photos. Forget the goose who laid it, hook up with one big bunny to keep those treasures coming.
Gemini: Your temper flares on Thursday, probably because someone ahead of you bought the last bear claw at the bakery or spilled coffee on your crotch. Let it go and save up your righteous anger for people who cut you off in traffic.
Cancer: Set aside that baseball bat, because Saturday requires finesse instead of force. Not every problem is a game of Whack-A-Mole. Besides, you’ve destroyed three desks this month.
Leo: You stumble across a treasure this week. Know in advance if you will return it or keep it, because the moment of truth requires a split-second decision. You’ll either get a parade or a purse-whacking from an angry old lady.
Virgo: Some people achieve greatness, others are best at just being the weird guy on the corner. By now, you’re pretty sure where you should be. It’s okay, at least weirdos are never lonely.
Libra: You’re on the right path, sometimes it’s just littered with thumbtacks, roller skates and hungry ferrets with a taste for toes. Step up that research for a jet pack, because those flip flops aren’t going to work.
Scorpio: Some rules are made to be broken. If you don’t put all your eggs in one basket, you’re going to look silly dragging 12 shopping carts with an egg in each one. Go ahead, be brave; just watch out and don’t crack under pressure.
Sagittarius: A better day is heading your way. Set out the cookies and punch, and maybe spray some Febreeze around the living room, just to make it feel welcome.
Capricorn: Is there caffeine in the water supply? No, it’s just you having a good hair day and those Buns of Steel DVDs are paying off. You make everyone’s heart beat a little faster on Friday.
Aquarius: Nothing says ‘party’ like tequila-flavored ice cream. Although the worms were a nice touch, you’re probably not cut out to be a party planner for kids’ birthday celebrations. Not until rehab, anyway.
Pisces: Knowing your place in the world is fine, but it’s just a temporary spot, not a permanent address. Keep looking for greener pastures, even if you have to carry in the Astroturf yourself.