Aries: No need to worry when you come to a fork in the road on Wednesday. You can go either way, and leave the fork there. Pizza and Twinkies should be eaten with your hands, like a savage. Grunt a few times to scare off anyone wanting a bite.
Taurus: To make a correct choice this week, you’ll need more than a coin to flip. Try some Dungeons & Dragons dice; while you’re there, might as well join the guys on a basement quest. You could use the company.
Gemini: No one said that the luck of the Irish was a good thing; improve your odds of good fortune by following a few Canadians around. They seem to be quite lucky.
Cancer: Go ahead, let a smile be your umbrella. After that, a frown can be your bookshelf, a smirk can be your window treatment, and your normal scowl can be the walking stick you use to beat your enemies into submission.
Leo: They say love is a many-splendored thing, but honestly, how many splendors do you need? Go for a two-splendor model, and you’ve save a lot on jewelry and flowers.
Virgo: On Friday, you’ll need a stapler, two bananas and an 8-pack of C batteries. No one said your hobbies had to be dull, but they could give the neighbors some serious eyerolling shudders.
Libra: You don’t need to be the big dog in the yard, slobbering and barking at every shadow crossing your path. It’s better to be the pampered Corgi in the house. Fewer fights with squirrel gangs, and you get your own pillow.
Scorpio: You can lead, you can follow, or you can just wander around the universe looking for loose change. Checking couch cushions and dirty laundry isn’t big money, but it is far less stressful than your current job.
Sagittarius: You can find the beauty in every day, or you can watch for the bizarre and funny stuff. Laughing at idiots is one of the few perks in life, and it keeps you from licking the wallpaper.
Capricorn: Someone thinks you’re making an impression, and it’s not from all those butt selfies you made on the photocopier. Straighten your tie and comb the ramen out of your hair, because you actually have a chance at success this week.
Aquarius: Not every problem needs a complicated solution. You don’t have to be Stephen Hawking to figure Thursday out, although you could amuse yourself by talking in his robotic voice all day.
Pisces: Easy fixes don’t last; the duct tape gets wet, the Band-Aid falls off and the ferret refuses to do your taxes anymore. Step out of your comfort zone before it falls apart.