You are currently browsing the monthly archive for March 2017.
Aries: You have style, you have charm, but do you have insurance for all those hearts you’re breaking? Enjoy the attention, but watch out for jilted lovers and less-than-vigilant laws on taser-equipped crossbows.
Taurus: An idea is waiting for you like a prize Easter egg out in the open; scoop that bad boy up before anyone else notices it’s filled with chocolate, money and naughty photos. Forget the goose who laid it, hook up with one big bunny to keep those treasures coming.
Gemini: Your temper flares on Thursday, probably because someone ahead of you bought the last bear claw at the bakery or spilled coffee on your crotch. Let it go and save up your righteous anger for people who cut you off in traffic.
Cancer: Set aside that baseball bat, because Saturday requires finesse instead of force. Not every problem is a game of Whack-A-Mole. Besides, you’ve destroyed three desks this month.
Leo: You stumble across a treasure this week. Know in advance if you will return it or keep it, because the moment of truth requires a split-second decision. You’ll either get a parade or a purse-whacking from an angry old lady.
Virgo: Some people achieve greatness, others are best at just being the weird guy on the corner. By now, you’re pretty sure where you should be. It’s okay, at least weirdos are never lonely.
Libra: You’re on the right path, sometimes it’s just littered with thumbtacks, roller skates and hungry ferrets with a taste for toes. Step up that research for a jet pack, because those flip flops aren’t going to work.
Scorpio: Some rules are made to be broken. If you don’t put all your eggs in one basket, you’re going to look silly dragging 12 shopping carts with an egg in each one. Go ahead, be brave; just watch out and don’t crack under pressure.
Sagittarius: A better day is heading your way. Set out the cookies and punch, and maybe spray some Febreeze around the living room, just to make it feel welcome.
Capricorn: Is there caffeine in the water supply? No, it’s just you having a good hair day and those Buns of Steel DVDs are paying off. You make everyone’s heart beat a little faster on Friday.
Aquarius: Nothing says ‘party’ like tequila-flavored ice cream. Although the worms were a nice touch, you’re probably not cut out to be a party planner for kids’ birthday celebrations. Not until rehab, anyway.
Pisces: Knowing your place in the world is fine, but it’s just a temporary spot, not a permanent address. Keep looking for greener pastures, even if you have to carry in the Astroturf yourself.
Aries: Your rant may be a drop in the ocean, but it’s the drop that sinks the Titanic. Rein in your anger, before someone freezes you out on an iceberg.
Taurus: Don’t do the thing on Friday. Just don’t. You’re already getting on Karma’s nerves, there’s no need to make her turn this life around and slap you.
Gemini: The only way you’ll appreciate when life is good is to experience life’s suckage occasionally. Keep paddling, and keep that stiff upper lip, it makes an excellent floatation device.
Cancer: Too many cooks spoil the meal, but it doesn’t matter if you have burritos in the freezer. Feel free to microwave your dinner, just don’t stand in front of it and recite your Snapchat password while it’s cooking.
Leo: Bright skies are coming, and you don’t know what to do with yourself. When good fortune arrives, should you invite it in? Make it a drink? Rub its feet? Relax and just take it as it comes.
Virgo: It’s fine to be true to yourself, but don’t keep people guessing for too long or they’ll turn you upside down and shake you like a Magic 8-Ball for some answers.
Libra: You don’t know all the answers, which is good, because you would blab them out at inconvenient moments. There’s a difference between being a wise guru and getting kicked out of weddings for spilling the bridal secrets.
Scorpio: An idea comes to you at 2 a.m. Sunday. Write it down, because it will save your bacon during the staff meeting on Wednesday. Keep a pen handy, because no one wants to lose bacon.
Sagittarius: You will meet a man. He will do strange things to your body and mind, and then make you leave. Don’t get his number, just be glad you got through the TSA and onto your flight in time.
Capricorn: Take a breath. And another. There! See, this living thing isn’t so hard. Now, step away from the jumper cables and strawberry jam, and promise the universe you’ll quit the kinky stuff in the bedroom, at least until you hook up with an EMT.
Aquarius: Life isn’t a giant leap forward into goodness, but this week you do toddle a few baby steps away from being broke, sad and slightly crazed. Keep going, because a few face plants will be worth it.
Pisces: You think you’re reaching for the stars, but you’re not even halfway up the tree yet. Shake the oak bark out of your pants leg and keep climbing. You’ll soon have a clear view.
Aries: No need to worry when you come to a fork in the road on Wednesday. You can go either way, and leave the fork there. Pizza and Twinkies should be eaten with your hands, like a savage. Grunt a few times to scare off anyone wanting a bite.
Taurus: To make a correct choice this week, you’ll need more than a coin to flip. Try some Dungeons & Dragons dice; while you’re there, might as well join the guys on a basement quest. You could use the company.
Gemini: No one said that the luck of the Irish was a good thing; improve your odds of good fortune by following a few Canadians around. They seem to be quite lucky.
Cancer: Go ahead, let a smile be your umbrella. After that, a frown can be your bookshelf, a smirk can be your window treatment, and your normal scowl can be the walking stick you use to beat your enemies into submission.
Leo: They say love is a many-splendored thing, but honestly, how many splendors do you need? Go for a two-splendor model, and you’ve save a lot on jewelry and flowers.
Virgo: On Friday, you’ll need a stapler, two bananas and an 8-pack of C batteries. No one said your hobbies had to be dull, but they could give the neighbors some serious eyerolling shudders.
Libra: You don’t need to be the big dog in the yard, slobbering and barking at every shadow crossing your path. It’s better to be the pampered Corgi in the house. Fewer fights with squirrel gangs, and you get your own pillow.
Scorpio: You can lead, you can follow, or you can just wander around the universe looking for loose change. Checking couch cushions and dirty laundry isn’t big money, but it is far less stressful than your current job.
Sagittarius: You can find the beauty in every day, or you can watch for the bizarre and funny stuff. Laughing at idiots is one of the few perks in life, and it keeps you from licking the wallpaper.
Capricorn: Someone thinks you’re making an impression, and it’s not from all those butt selfies you made on the photocopier. Straighten your tie and comb the ramen out of your hair, because you actually have a chance at success this week.
Aquarius: Not every problem needs a complicated solution. You don’t have to be Stephen Hawking to figure Thursday out, although you could amuse yourself by talking in his robotic voice all day.
Pisces: Easy fixes don’t last; the duct tape gets wet, the Band-Aid falls off and the ferret refuses to do your taxes anymore. Step out of your comfort zone before it falls apart.
Aries: You finally catch a break! Make sure it’s not so small you have to throw it back or risk getting fined. If it measures up, go ahead and invite the park rangers to the party.
Taurus: You’re laying on the fertilizer, but nothing is coming up roses yet. Lay off the crap long enough to plant some seeds, and then water well with the tears of your enemies. Specifically, Fran who works in HR.
Gemini: Some are born to run, but you were born to skip, crabwalk and occasionally lose a shoe. Hop over that finish line without getting your good socks dirty, and you’ll impress them all.
Cancer: Find your happy place, but be prepared to kick out some squatters and hire a cleaning crew. Maybe you should redecorate too. That 1970s paneling has to go.
Leo: Lean over. A little more. To the left now. There, now the world has slid off your shoulders. Go get a massage to soothe out the kinks, because that worked to death look is so last year.
Virgo: For everyone else, life is a roller coaster, filled with highs, lows and screaming children. For you, life is like riding the teacups. Boring with an occasional bump. Find the exit and get in line for the real thing.
Libra: There’s nothing you can’t accomplish with an amazing attitude, a warehouse of chocolate, and a hard drive of compromising photos. It helps if the photos are of someone else. Go after that promotion!
Scorpio: Each day you take a step toward greatness, but now you need to work on doing it in a straight line. You and success have been playing a dry land version of “Marco Polo” for far too long.
Sagittarius: A dog is man’s best friend, because it can’t spill your secrets. Your canine companion can, however, learn to text and use the camera app, so make sure you buy the good treats from now on.
Capricorn:You may be on Cloud 9 now, but there’s no escalator to Cloud 10 and you can’t connect to Uber. Hang out for a while; enjoy your lofty perch and later rate it on Airbnb.
Aquarius: A blast from the past lifts your spirits and your skirt. They may make you feel sixteen again, but they aren’t in a time machine. You still have to take your meds and be in bed by 10.
Pisces: If you stay curled in a ball long enough, someone’s going to grab you and toss you in the air for a few points. Uncurl and claim your space, but do it when they don’t expect it so the scream echoes for miles.