Aries: In every life, some rain must fall, but no one told you it would be blasting you sideways and flooding the garage. Be glad that old sofa floats; if you rig a sail, you can ride the wind to higher ground or Walmart.
Taurus: You’ve been crankier than a Tasmanian Devil in Spanx. Take a deep breath and work your way slowly out of it, otherwise you’ll give yourself a body-wide wedgie.
Gemini: Tuesday brings a wonderful surprise, so don’t get the Botox done on Monday or the universe will think you’re ungrateful. With a goodie this big, you’ll want to scream, smile and shout.
Cancer: Lately your mood has been a coloring book, but Karma didn’t get the nice gel pens to shade you in, it just let a seven-year-old loose with a handful of grubby crayons. Turn the page and start fresh.
Leo: If you find the straw that breaks the camel’s back, throw it away. That’s a horrible thing to carry, especially if you run with camels. They would rather have a nice massage on their toes any day.
Virgo: Opportunity knocks, but you don’t know if it’s selling insurance or Girl Scout cookies. Peek through the window before you answer the door, because only Thin Mints are getting in today.
Libra: A journey of a thousand steps usually begins because you locked yourself out of the house again. Good thing you’re wearing the Spongebob Squarepants nightshirt instead of the skimpy negligee, otherwise your fishing buddies would never let you live this down.
Scorpio: You’re feeling like a werewolf in a silver bullet factory and waxing salon. You can’t catch a break, but you might be able to de-fur yourself and sneak away from this streak of bad luck. Keep the howls down to a minimum.
Sagittarius: You may not be the Beyonce of office supply sales, but keep working at it. Someday, someone will put a three-ring binder on it and that will teach Kanye in accounting to doubt you.
Capricorn: Your stress has increased so much, it’s added its own user profile to your Netflix account and is insisting on gluten-free pizza in the freezer. Kick it to the curb with some meditation before it takes up CrossFit.
Aquarius: Good things are headed your way, so stand outside on Thursday and wave them down before they accidentally pull up in your neighbor’s driveway. Sometimes the GPS on Karma is glitchy.
Pisces: You’re worth more than you realize, so don’t sell yourself short. Hold out for the big bucks and don’t cave in when someone offers you the spare change hidden in the couch cushions. The right paycheck won’t have old cough lozenges stuck to it.