You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2017.

Aries: In every life, some rain must fall, but no one told you it would be blasting you sideways and flooding the garage. Be glad that old sofa floats; if you rig a sail, you can ride the wind to higher ground or Walmart.

Taurus: You’ve been crankier than a Tasmanian Devil in Spanx. Take a deep breath and work your way slowly out of it, otherwise you’ll give yourself a body-wide wedgie.

Gemini: Tuesday brings a wonderful surprise, so don’t get the Botox done on Monday or the universe will think you’re ungrateful. With a goodie this big, you’ll want to scream, smile and shout.

Cancer: Lately your mood has been a coloring book, but Karma didn’t get the nice gel pens to shade you in, it just let a seven-year-old loose with a handful of grubby crayons. Turn the page and start fresh.

Leo: If you find the straw that breaks the camel’s back, throw it away. That’s a horrible thing to carry, especially if you run with camels. They would rather have a nice massage on their toes any day.

Virgo: Opportunity knocks, but you don’t know if it’s selling insurance or Girl Scout cookies. Peek through the window before you answer the door, because only Thin Mints are getting in today.

Libra: A journey of a thousand steps usually begins because you locked yourself out of the house again. Good thing you’re wearing the Spongebob Squarepants nightshirt instead of the skimpy negligee, otherwise your fishing buddies would never let you live this down.

Scorpio: You’re feeling like a werewolf in a silver bullet factory and waxing salon. You can’t catch a break, but you might be able to de-fur yourself and sneak away from this streak of bad luck. Keep the howls down to a minimum.

Sagittarius: You may not be the Beyonce of office supply sales, but keep working at it. Someday, someone will put a three-ring binder on it and that will teach Kanye in accounting to doubt you.

Capricorn: Your stress has increased so much, it’s added its own user profile to your Netflix account and is insisting on gluten-free pizza in the freezer. Kick it to the curb with some meditation before it takes up CrossFit.

Aquarius: Good things are headed your way, so stand outside on Thursday and wave them down before they accidentally pull up in your neighbor’s driveway. Sometimes the GPS on Karma is glitchy.

Pisces: You’re worth more than you realize, so don’t sell yourself short. Hold out for the big bucks and don’t cave in when someone offers you the spare change hidden in the couch cushions. The right paycheck won’t have old cough lozenges stuck to it.

Aries: If someone offers to clean your clock, don’t invite them in and ask if they can do the sofa and the rug, too. Once you have a black eye, you’ll be the one who’s steamed.

Taurus: Every one has a secret, but not all secrets should be told. You can blab about the big tough guy down the street, but you should be scared silly of the little grandma down the street with the knife collection.

Gemini: Now’s a good time for soul-searching, especially since they’re nothing notable on TV. Stare into your belly button and do some mental lint-picking. It beats the new show CSI: Lemonade Stand.

Cancer: Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but that doesn’t give them free range to absorb yours and leave you blank-faced like a Westworld bot. Tell your friends to get their own thoughts, and keep their sticky fingers out of your brain.

Leo: Remember that scene from the Indiana Jones movie with the giant ball? Yeah, you’re the ball. You can’t put on the brakes, all you can do is hope the idiots get out of your way.

Virgo: If you knew your ‘Friends’ television trivia better, you wouldn’t be dodging golf balls on a driving range this Tuesday. Next time, don’t offer to caddy for a cowboy with a grudge.

Libra: Everyone else has the latest wireless tech, and you’re left holding your own dongle. Get with the crowd and step away from the flip phone, otherwise you’ll be the only one touching that dongle for months to come.

Scorpio: If you can’t recall any outstanding accomplishments that don’t involve a mugshot, you may just be on this planet as a cautionary tale for others. Have some t-shirts printed saying “Don’t be like me,” for those times when you’re too drunk to say it.

Sagittarius: A tainted tree bears no fruit, but you’re just giggling over the word “taint,” aren’t you? Don’t say you weren’t warned about karma’s temper on Friday.

Capricorn: If the world feels dark and clammy and you can’t see any friends on the horizon, you may have your head up your own butt. Untangle yourself and get some fresh air. Your friends may even come back after you shower.

Aquarius: You’re a paper clip; you hold everything together, but you’re wound pretty tight. Let yourself get bent out of shape for the right reasons, like resetting an mp3 player or picking your ex’s lock.

Pisces: It’s fine if you need a vacation away from the world; no one has a tricked-out brain like you. Let everyone else rage while you enjoy IMAX surround-sound of your favorite naked Ryan Reynolds dream.

Aries: A situation requires the gentle approach, so set aside the power tools and practice your finger exercises. You’ve already destroyed two iPads and a phone this year, your ham-handed ways are costing you a fortune.

Taurus: Good grief, pull yourself together and keep it that way. Use staples and Velcro if you have to, but reserve the duct tape for last ditch situations. Like Saturday.

Gemini: You don’t have all the answers, but you have enough to bewilder those asking the questions. Remember, the guru on the mountaintop ended up there just so he could get some peace, and better wifi for a Netflix binge.

Cancer:Reach deep inside yourself for the truth you seek. Not that deep, though. If you find something squishy, it’s not the truth, it’s your appendix. Neither one of them need to come out right now.

Leo: The earth may revolve around you, but you don’t have to shine on everyone all the time. Quit poking at those enjoying the shade; they won’t sing your praises, but they might use some interesting hand gestures.

Virgo: Your plan is nearly complete. All you need now is lots of money, time, and a discarded gum wrapper. Take heart, because you already have one of these things. Hustle until you have the other two.

Libra: Someone’s playing the wrong tune for all your right moves. If you can’t fall into step, kick the drum player and change the beat. Or offer him a couch and some pizza. That usually works.

Scorpio: Broaden your horizons this week. Not only does travel and adventure introduce you to new concepts, it also expands your mind. Good thing, too, because you really need more room so you can move around your mental furniture.

Sagittarius: Dance like no one’s watching, sing like you’re in the shower, but text like your grandmother is reading every single one. That goes double for pics. Granny doesn’t want to see your junk.

Capricorn: Your stubbornness is legendary; that’s why the highway makes a loop around your house instead of going through it. Pick your battles carefully on Friday, though. Someone you meet isn’t as easygoing as the guys on the road crew.

Aquarius: Be brave, be bold, and on Thursday, be under the covers with a flashlight until the storm passes. Some things are too weird to face alone, and your back-up won’t arrive until the zombies are gone.

Pisces: You’re feeling out-of-sorts. But really, have you ever been in-sorts? Your everyday mood swings would scare the crap out of a normal person, but it would make a compelling horror movie. Scribble it down and make some cash.

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