Aries: You reclaim something from your past; could be a lost love, or a million-dollar movie idea from your 8th grade diary. As long as its not that poodle-perm you rocked in the 80s, you’re good.
Taurus: Don’t worry about speaking softly and carrying a big stick. Tasers come in tiny lipstick cases now. You can zap the jerks without them ever seeing it coming.
Gemini: Some people have their best years ahead of them because they keep their photo albums on the coffee table. Yours are out the door and down the path less taken. Wear comfy shoes.
Cancer: Some days your life is like a string of ABBA songs, and other days the spiked brownies are out of your system. If you’re singing “Dancing Queen” while peeing in a cup, you may be in trouble.
Leo: If you’re determined to walk around with something up your butt, buy a thong and be done with it. That way, you have no one to blame—or thank—but yourself.
Virgo: You may think you don’t need New Year’s resolutions, but your liquor store receipts and phone records say otherwise. At least get an app to keep yourself from drunk texting your ex and your old gym teacher.
Libra: On Thursday, you’re more nervous than a porcupine at a quilting bee. Relax and feel free to strut your stuff, just watch out for someone else’s pointy ends.
Scorpio: For you, happiness has been harder to find than a Kardashian without an Instagram. Practice that duckface, because the universe is about to like your selfie.
Sagittarius: If you let all your stress go, the only thing holding you together is the frayed elastic in your underwear. Buy yourself some new bloomers before you snap.
Capricorn: Friends keep you from being lonely, support you when you’re sad, and also let you see what you would look like if you fell asleep on their couch and had a Victorian mustache drawn on you with a Sharpie. Maybe you should just get a goldfish.
Aquarius: This year you will find love, you will stumble upon fame, and you’ll trip over fortune. Be glad there’s not more coming your way, or all that goodness might put you in a body cast.
Pisces: When the path seems long, feel free to ditch those hiking boots and try out your latest winged flying contraption. You may not make it far, but you’ll entertain dozens of people when you jump off the roof and flap.