You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2017.

Aries: If you’re waiting for the other shoe to fall, get comfortable. Karma is a millipede, and there are a lot of steel-toed boots about to hit the deck. At least they’re not raining down on your head from above. Yet.

Taurus: One good turn deserves another, and all that turning will spin you out of trouble on Friday. Stretch out those muscles so you’ll be limber and ready to go.

Gemini: Bad news: You don’t have your co-worker’s respect. Good news: You work at home, so your co-worker is a cat. Earn some points by opening a can of tuna and setting boxes around the office. You’ll be Employee of the Month in no time.

Cancer: Sometimes clouds don’t have silver linings, but they do make a crinkly sound when you wad them up. Use them to distract your boss during your performance review this week.

Leo: Tuesday brings a gift basket of assorted fortune. Be thankful for all of it, even the weirdly shaped ones, or next time you’ll only score a paper bag of angry caterpillars. Those suckers are dangerous when they stampede.

Virgo: Some days you scream at the monster under your bed, other days you two share a cup of cocoa and watch Supergirl. On Friday, make some popcorn and plan a spa night for the two of you—both of you need some comfort after the day’s events.

Libra: A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants. It’s amazing what you’ll do for $10 an hour. Maybe you could stuff your shirt with balloons and get a job at Hooters instead.

Scorpio: The Bird of Paradise won’t fly up your nose, but he’ll definitely leave a splatter on your shoulder. Try to smile, because that’s considered good luck, especially by your friends who weren’t just crapped on by a giant beaked creature.

Sagittarius: Someone is tattling on you because they think you’re making waves. Keep an eye on them, because you have the power to flip their boat with a tsunami of snark.

Capricorn: It would be easier if bad decisions were labeled. Here’s a hint: if someone tells you about a fantastic new moneymaking venture involving ferrets and Velcro jewelry, and they’re holding a tequila bottle, consider yourself warned.

Aquarius: You can ask the stars for advice, but they don’t really know anything. Except for Tom Hanks. He knows quite a lot. On Tuesday, do whatever he does.

Pisces: Feeling rather odd lately? It could be a sudden outbreak of happiness. Sit down and see if it goes away. If it doesn’t, maybe you’re just doing the right things for a change. Try to cope with that.

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Aries: Aim high for your goals, otherwise you’ll just nick them with that BB gun. You might also need to adjust your sights before you try to bring those goals down.

Taurus: Something amazing will happen at 2:17. You don’t know if it will be night or day, however, so every time 2:17 rolls around, drop everything and listen. You’ll be able to hear yourself making your family crazy.

Gemini: Some days you’re an eagle on the wind; other days, you’re a goose caught in a jet engine. On Tuesday afternoon, flap like you mean it.

Cancer: Every job has its perks. Don’t complain when your desk is moved into the supply closet, rejoice because you’ll never pay for paper clips or toilet paper again.

Leo: If you can’t sleep, that means you’re awake in someone else’s dream. If you wake up next to an armadillo and a jar of jalapeno body butter, that means you should change your meds and lock your windows.

Virgo: You know what’s needed, you just don’t want to admit it. Go ahead, face the truth. If you turn your back to it, truth will always give you a wedgie and slap a “Kick Me” sign on you.

Libra: Your life isn’t full of free beer and Skittles, but occasionally it does have good wine and Godiva chocolate. Hold out for the best, because cheap Bordeaux makes you whiny.

Scorpio: There’s a light in your eyes and a spring in your step; good news has arrived or you’ve been zapped by static electricity on the doorknob. Either way, quit dragging your feet.

Sagittarius: You’re terrible at keeping secrets, which is why no one tells you any. On Thursday, though, you hear a doozy. If you can’t keep your lips sealed, post it on MySpace so no one will ever see it.

Capricorn: You’re used to getting the carrot or the stick, but this week you get the kale, and you have no idea what to do. Remember, when in doubt, deep fry it and douse it in ranch dressing. Everything goes down easier that way.

Aquarius: The universe doesn’t give you “A-ha!” moments, but every now and then it will goose you with a “Woo hoo!” Be on the lookout, and hope Karma doesn’t have cold hands.

Pisces: Some people march to the beat of their own drums, but you boogie to an army of pan flutes played by sloths. You have no rhythm, but it’s still better that the music on the radio.

Aries: You reclaim something from your past; could be a lost love, or a million-dollar movie idea from your 8th grade diary. As long as its not that poodle-perm you rocked in the 80s, you’re good.

Taurus: Don’t worry about speaking softly and carrying a big stick. Tasers come in tiny lipstick cases now. You can zap the jerks without them ever seeing it coming.

Gemini: Some people have their best years ahead of them because they keep their photo albums on the coffee table. Yours are out the door and down the path less taken. Wear comfy shoes.

Cancer: Some days your life is like a string of ABBA songs, and other days the spiked brownies are out of your system. If you’re singing “Dancing Queen” while peeing in a cup, you may be in trouble.

Leo: If you’re determined to walk around with something up your butt, buy a thong and be done with it. That way, you have no one to blame—or thank—but yourself.

Virgo: You may think you don’t need New Year’s resolutions, but your liquor store receipts and phone records say otherwise. At least get an app to keep yourself from drunk texting your ex and your old gym teacher.

Libra: On Thursday, you’re more nervous than a porcupine at a quilting bee. Relax and feel free to strut your stuff, just watch out for someone else’s pointy ends.

Scorpio: For you, happiness has been harder to find than a Kardashian without an Instagram. Practice that duckface, because the universe is about to like your selfie.

Sagittarius: If you let all your stress go, the only thing holding you together is the frayed elastic in your underwear. Buy yourself some new bloomers before you snap.

Capricorn: Friends keep you from being lonely, support you when you’re sad, and also let you see what you would look like if you fell asleep on their couch and had a Victorian mustache drawn on you with a Sharpie. Maybe you should just get a goldfish.

Aquarius: This year you will find love, you will stumble upon fame, and you’ll trip over fortune. Be glad there’s not more coming your way, or all that goodness might put you in a body cast.

Pisces: When the path seems long, feel free to ditch those hiking boots and try out your latest winged flying contraption. You may not make it far, but you’ll entertain dozens of people when you jump off the roof and flap.

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