Aries: Resolutions in January only lead to regrets and an ice cream coma in February. No need to raise everyone’s expectations for you now, so set the bar low. If you’re in your own underwear and you’re still breathing, you’re good.
Taurus: Pace yourself. If you resolve to quit self-loathing now, you’ll have nothing to give up for Lent. Try eating less kale. See? You’re already winning.
Gemini: Don’t worry about the new year just yet; the old one has enough perplexing puzzles. Why are you wearing tinsel as a thong? How did that walrus get in here? Do you own enough paper towels to clean up the mess in the kitchen, or should you just move? Solve those riddles and 2017 will be a breeze.
Cancer: Enjoy that Apple watch in your stocking, because Santa will pay. Sure, your lap dance was better than cookies, but explaining all that glitter to Mrs. Claus as a craft-related accident will be a stretch.
Leo: Good things come to those who wait, but they come faster to those who drive out to meet the UPS truck. Take some brownies, so the driver remembers your name.
Virgo: You invent a new dessert this weekend when you run out of snacks at your New Year’s Eve party, and pour two bottles of coconut vodka over a fruitcake you’ve had since 1989. Bonus: it can also serve as a festive Yule log.
Libra: Every dog has its day, but sloths get up to a year. If you move slowly enough in 2017, you could be the next cute animal trend, and you don’t even need to glue fur to your face.
Scorpio: Slap a name tag on your rear end, because this Saturday night, you’ll dance until your booty falls off. Bring a tote bag to carry it home during your walk of shame.
Sagittarius: Variety is the spice of life, but no one wants to see you whip out your cinnamon stick just yet. Try something easy, like rattling your salt shakers first.
Capricorn: Your dedication to serenity and inner peace will last as long as it takes for your kid to throw a Hatchimal past your face. After that, it’s chaos and tears as usual.
Aquarius: Don’t tempt the universe by saying the new year can’t be worse than the old one. That’s just challenging karma. Keep your head down, and carry a sharp stick just in case it gets ideas.
Pisces: Sometimes life is a breeze, and other times it blows hard enough to knock you down. Keep marching, no matter what debris it throws in your path, and duck the occasional patio umbrella flying past.