Aries: You feel joy toward all men. Except that one over there, he has a mask over his head. Oh wait, he has a riding crop and see-through go-go boots, too. Go see if he’s feeling your joy.
Taurus: Friday is your day. Your luck is good, your hair is great, and your backtalk is on point. Be your happy, sassy self and nothing can go wrong, unless you like it that way.
Gemini: To thine own self be true, but you can fake it with everyone else. No one needs to know the darkness lurking under that veneer of awesome. Not until your supervillain lair is complete.
Cancer: Be the change you seek. Specifically, pennies and nickels, because you’re exceptionally talented at giving your two cents worth.
Leo: What is this weird feeling inside? No anger, no vengeance, no irritation at someone being slow in the line for coffee…Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster, you feel peace and happiness. Don’t make a big deal over it, so it will stay around for a while.
Virgo: Your wallet is filled with Goodwill, although your heart longs for Saks Fifth Avenue. At least your pocketbook is flush with the holiday spirit, even if it is secondhand. Look at the bright side: You can buy movies on VHS for all your annoying relatives this year.
Libra: Sure, you can kiss someone under the mistletoe, but you can get really kinky under a bag of kale and some mayo. Consider it a step toward your New Year resolution of getting healthy again.
Scorpio: The new year will be a great time to spruce up your resume, especially since you photocopied your private parts during the holiday party and emailed them to the entire office. Watch out for the accountant, she framed her copy.
Sagittarius: Sing like no one’s listening, and dance like two spiders are having a cross-country race in your pants. Not only are people watching, they’re filming and placing bets.
Capricorn: The universe looks the other way while you do a good deed on Thursday, but it has security cameras in your neck of the woods, so it still knows. Expect something nice to arrive on your doorstep.
Aquarius: You’re never truly alone if you have a case of wine or an internet connection. Both make the same sense at 3 a.m., and they’re each good alternatives to arguing with relatives.
Pisces: Hey you. Yeah, you. Things are looking up and you’re amazing, you magnificent thing. Don’t feel guilty over your good fortune; take it and run into 2017.
To my readers: Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Solstice, Happy Kwanzaa, Strong Festivus, Happy Hogswatch, and Happy Boxing Day!