You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2016.

Aries: Resolutions in January only lead to regrets and an ice cream coma in February. No need to raise everyone’s expectations for you now, so set the bar low. If you’re in your own underwear and you’re still breathing, you’re good.

Taurus: Pace yourself. If you resolve to quit self-loathing now, you’ll have nothing to give up for Lent. Try eating less kale. See? You’re already winning.

Gemini: Don’t worry about the new year just yet; the old one has enough perplexing puzzles. Why are you wearing tinsel as a thong? How did that walrus get in here? Do you own enough paper towels to clean up the mess in the kitchen, or should you just move? Solve those riddles and 2017 will be a breeze.

Cancer: Enjoy that Apple watch in your stocking, because Santa will pay. Sure, your lap dance was better than cookies, but explaining all that glitter to Mrs. Claus as a craft-related accident will be a stretch.

Leo: Good things come to those who wait, but they come faster to those who drive out to meet the UPS truck. Take some brownies, so the driver remembers your name.

Virgo: You invent a new dessert this weekend when you run out of snacks at your New Year’s Eve party, and pour two bottles of coconut vodka over a fruitcake you’ve had since 1989. Bonus: it can also serve as a festive Yule log.

Libra: Every dog has its day, but sloths get up to a year. If you move slowly enough in 2017, you could be the next cute animal trend, and you don’t even need to glue fur to your face.

Scorpio: Slap a name tag on your rear end, because this Saturday night, you’ll dance until your booty falls off. Bring a tote bag to carry it home during your walk of shame.

Sagittarius: Variety is the spice of life, but no one wants to see you whip out your cinnamon stick just yet. Try something easy, like rattling your salt shakers first.

Capricorn: Your dedication to serenity and inner peace will last as long as it takes for your kid to throw a Hatchimal past your face. After that, it’s chaos and tears as usual.

Aquarius: Don’t tempt the universe by saying the new year can’t be worse than the old one. That’s just challenging karma. Keep your head down, and carry a sharp stick just in case it gets ideas.

Pisces: Sometimes life is a breeze, and other times it blows hard enough to knock you down. Keep marching, no matter what debris it throws in your path, and duck the occasional patio umbrella flying past.

Aries: You feel joy toward all men. Except that one over there, he has a mask over his head. Oh wait, he has a riding crop and see-through go-go boots, too. Go see if he’s feeling your joy.

Taurus: Friday is your day. Your luck is good, your hair is great, and your backtalk is on point. Be your happy, sassy self and nothing can go wrong, unless you like it that way.

Gemini: To thine own self be true, but you can fake it with everyone else. No one needs to know the darkness lurking under that veneer of awesome. Not until your supervillain lair is complete.

Cancer: Be the change you seek. Specifically, pennies and nickels, because you’re exceptionally talented at giving your two cents worth.

Leo: What is this weird feeling inside? No anger, no vengeance, no irritation at someone being slow in the line for coffee…Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster, you feel peace and happiness. Don’t make a big deal over it, so it will stay around for a while.

Virgo: Your wallet is filled with Goodwill, although your heart longs for Saks Fifth Avenue. At least your pocketbook is flush with the holiday spirit, even if it is secondhand. Look at the bright side: You can buy movies on VHS for all your annoying relatives this year.

Libra: Sure, you can kiss someone under the mistletoe, but you can get really kinky under a bag of kale and some mayo. Consider it a step toward your New Year resolution of getting healthy again.

Scorpio: The new year will be a great time to spruce up your resume, especially since you photocopied your private parts during the holiday party and emailed them to the entire office. Watch out for the accountant, she framed her copy.

Sagittarius: Sing like no one’s listening, and dance like two spiders are having a cross-country race in your pants. Not only are people watching, they’re filming and placing bets.

Capricorn: The universe looks the other way while you do a good deed on Thursday, but it has security cameras in your neck of the woods, so it still knows. Expect something nice to arrive on your doorstep.

Aquarius: You’re never truly alone if you have a case of wine or an internet connection. Both make the same sense at 3 a.m., and they’re each good alternatives to arguing with relatives.

Pisces: Hey you. Yeah, you. Things are looking up and you’re amazing, you magnificent thing. Don’t feel guilty over your good fortune; take it and run into 2017.

To my readers: Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Solstice, Happy Kwanzaa, Strong Festivus, Happy Hogswatch, and Happy Boxing Day!

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