You are currently browsing the monthly archive for November 2016.
Aries: The stars are aligned for you. Too bad they’re just queuing up for the chance to kick your butt. When you get tired, turn the other cheek.
Taurus: You’ll be showered with money on Thursday. Dry yourself thoroughly, or you may have nickels lodged in some embarrassing places. Don’t ask about the dimes.
Gemini: A name from your past haunts you. It’s not just in the back of your memory, it’s actually floating and moaning in front of you like a Scooby-Doo ghost. Find out what it wants so you can concentrate on Netflix again.
Cancer: You can write your dreams into the sand, but they last longer if you scribble them in wet cement. The construction workers might be traumatized by the one with the snake, though.
Leo: Slip into a new attitude on Wednesday and strut your stuff. That old anger was tattered and full of holes, but you’ll turn this new mellow façade into the latest couture.
Virgo: You get what you want on Monday, but be careful; the universe won’t stand for another tantrum. They only gave in so they could get through the checkout line in peace. When you’re in the cosmic parking lot, watch out.
Libra: Do the world a favor this weekend. It doesn’t have to be big like helping the world move into an upstairs apartment, but you could massage the earth’s feet with some lotion. All these droughts give it dry and cracked toes.
Scorpio: If you wear your heart on your sleeve, you’ll be hurt. Also, that’s really bad for your cardiovascular health. You have a perfectly good rib cage, leave it in there to pace like a restless tiger.
Sagittarius: You’re working on being the best you can be, but your co-workers want you to try a little harder than that. Turns out, your best still involves photocopying your butt and pinning the copies to the takeout menus in the breakroom.
Capricorn: Jump for joy, skip for sadness or leap to unverified conclusions this week. At least you’re finally slinking off the couch and getting some exercise. If you don’t move, karma will start dropping spiders on you just to see if you’re still alive.
Aquarius: A special surprise is in the works for you. Remember to say thank you, even if it turns out to be a hand-knitted thong two sizes too small.
Pisces: You’re airborne on a flight of fancy. Looks like a long one, so enjoy the complimentary peanuts and drink. It’s blue skies and snark ahead, because your inflight movie is “The Three Musketeers” with Charlie Sheen.
Aries: It’s blue skies and smooth sailing ahead, so quit worrying. No one saw what you did last Thursday, and the ferret is too busy picking cotton candy and glitter out of his fur to tell.
Taurus: You can bring a little light into someone’s life by being kind, or you can just throw a four-pack of LED bulbs at them and tell them to find happiness on their own.
Gemini: No one has all the answers, not even you. But you do have that one answer from page 236 of the teacher’s manual. Use it wisely.
Cancer: Life does need a bit of extra flavor, but you’re going overboard with the pumpkin spice. Besides, it’s almost time for peppermint and hot chocolate scents, so you’re stuck with 50 pounds of pumpkin spice cat litter until next fall.
Leo: The world is full of adventures, and you’re watching them all pass by your office window. Take a few days off to unwind. That way, you can watch life skip merrily past your living room window.
Virgo: If the cat’s in the cradle with a silver spoon, you really need a trip to Petco and some better life advice. Get a nice cat bed, but don’t get one so big you can sleep in it, too.
Libra: Relax. If relationships made sense, you wouldn’t need jewelry, alcohol or edible underwear. Buy two of the three and go back to your sweetie’s to apologize. No one cares if you were right.
Scorpio: It’s good to know your limitations, but you don’t have to give them name tags and throw after-hours parties for them. While they’re out on the dance floor, see if you can sneak past them and accomplish something new.
Sagittarius: Thursday will be like having something stuck on the bottom of your shoe. It will only be annoying if someone points it out to you, unless it’s a $20 bill.
Capricorn: Overall, life is beautiful. It does have its hot mess moments, though. Expect smeared mascara and spaghetti in your hair on Saturday. At least you clean up well for Sunday morning.
Aquarius: You’re due for some good luck. Expect it to arrive in one easy package on a sunny afternoon. If it doesn’t show up, you may have to chase the UPS driver around town for a while.
Pisces: Comparing yourself to others is like a snail comparing itself to a sleek sea turtle. What the shell? Appreciate the leaf you’re nibbling instead of wishing for a distant ocean of excitement.