Aries: To your mind, you’re boasting a hefty lightsaber, but to everyone else, you’re waving around a dollar store glowstick. If you want someone to ooh and aah over your hardware, you need to up the wattage.

Taurus: You’ve been jumping through a lot of hoops lately. If you’re not practicing for America’s Got Talent auditions, someone has tamed your inner tiger. Give ‘em a growl and show the beast within before they dress you in adorable cat outfits.

Gemini: A whisper in the dark can be sweet pillow talk or juicy gossip. Listen to both carefully, because both can give you extra thrills. Only one, though, should go on your SnapChat account.

Cancer: Occasionally life can be a bowl of cherries or a box of chocolates. Often, though, it’s a mud puddle. You can jump in it for a moment of joy, sling it at others when you’re mad or get crafty, make some mud bricks and build your own castle. Depends on your ambition.

Leo: You want to see the whole picture, but that much reality can be frightening. Grab some quick peripheral glances. You’ll get the gist, and give the world some great side-eye to boot.

Virgo: No one expects greatness from you, but they would appreciate it if you changed your underwear occasionally and quit feeding Cheetos to the dog. You’ll show them you can be a better person, and everyone will be happier without those knee-high orange dust farts.

Libra: Your family wants you to walk the path not taken, but you know better. Take the high road, and you can spot all the creepy clowns in the woods below. A paintball gun might be handy too. Just saying.

Scorpio: When you feel like a raisin in a sea of chocolate chips, remember that they melt at the first sign of heat, but you remain hard and inedible. You’re one tough cookie.

Sagittarius: The spoils go to the winners, but the losers have more fun. Probably because they have more time on their hands, and they know where all the booze is hidden. Forget the gold for a while; de-stress and find some good loser friends this weekend.

Capricorn: In each life some rain must fall, but no one said anything about a hailstorm of haddock. Leave it to you to have an original disaster. At least the pictures will be worth something later.

Aquarius: You can shine bright like a diamond, or hide in the dark like a Lego on the floor. Either way, you’ll get some attention and a few screams.

Pisces: You’ve been trying to fly high toward your goal, and boy, are your arms tired. Hitch a ride on a passing eagle and take the easy flight for a while. You’ve earned it.

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