You are currently browsing the monthly archive for October 2016.
Aries: You are unstoppable on Friday. Make sure it’s because you’re full of energy, not because a squirrel chewed through your brake lines. Don’t worry, there will be a comically large pile of pillows you can crash into at the end of the day.
Taurus: To err is human, but your epic fail is heading into Bigfoot territory. Make amends before someone chases you around the woods with a bird caller and a disposable camera.
Gemini: You never thought this day would come, but here it is. You’ve listened to a Justin Bieber song and it didn’t make your head explode. Take some time on Wednesday to stay under the blankets and wonder where the world went wrong.
Cancer: You don’t have to be the sharpest tool in the shed to make an impact. Be the rake you are, and wait to smack someone in the face when they step on your teeth. They’ll walk more carefully around you after their nose job.
Leo: Fog doesn’t always tiptoe in; a dense brain mist can slap you to the ground like a disgruntled sumo wrestler. Lay low until it passes, because you don’t want your head stuck in these clouds. There’s probably a sumo-level fart mixed in there, too.
Virgo: On the good days, everything’s coming up roses. On Friday, you’ll forget the garden when a money tree sprouts. Tend it well, and then shake it like a bee-infested tambourine when it bears fruit.
Libra: You can be true to yourself without telling everyone your secrets. No one needs to know about those six weeks you spent as a Hooters waitress named Big Bertha, or that time you trained ferrets for the Army.
Scorpio: On Tuesday, you’ll get a chance to strut your stuff. Try to stay upright in those size 13 stilettos, and remember to light the sparklers once you’re on stage. Pro tip: don’t put them in your butt crack again.
Sagittarius: You have a kind heart, but not every hot mess can be turned into a cool friend. Channel those world-changing urges into something positive, like voting out all ventriloquists on America’s Got Talent.
Capricorn: Let your inner Travolta out to play! Dance like no one has a camera on their cell phone, and then never, ever visit YouTube again.
Aquarius: Your mojo isn’t missing, it just shacked up with Bruce Springsteen for the weekend. When it comes back, it will have stories to tell and an autograph in an interesting place.
Pisces: You’ve never been good at walking a straight line; putting one foot in front of the other only tangles you up in your shoelaces. Pull a few pages from the Ministry of Silly Walks to get where you’re going.
Aries: To your mind, you’re boasting a hefty lightsaber, but to everyone else, you’re waving around a dollar store glowstick. If you want someone to ooh and aah over your hardware, you need to up the wattage.
Taurus: You’ve been jumping through a lot of hoops lately. If you’re not practicing for America’s Got Talent auditions, someone has tamed your inner tiger. Give ‘em a growl and show the beast within before they dress you in adorable cat outfits.
Gemini: A whisper in the dark can be sweet pillow talk or juicy gossip. Listen to both carefully, because both can give you extra thrills. Only one, though, should go on your SnapChat account.
Cancer: Occasionally life can be a bowl of cherries or a box of chocolates. Often, though, it’s a mud puddle. You can jump in it for a moment of joy, sling it at others when you’re mad or get crafty, make some mud bricks and build your own castle. Depends on your ambition.
Leo: You want to see the whole picture, but that much reality can be frightening. Grab some quick peripheral glances. You’ll get the gist, and give the world some great side-eye to boot.
Virgo: No one expects greatness from you, but they would appreciate it if you changed your underwear occasionally and quit feeding Cheetos to the dog. You’ll show them you can be a better person, and everyone will be happier without those knee-high orange dust farts.
Libra: Your family wants you to walk the path not taken, but you know better. Take the high road, and you can spot all the creepy clowns in the woods below. A paintball gun might be handy too. Just saying.
Scorpio: When you feel like a raisin in a sea of chocolate chips, remember that they melt at the first sign of heat, but you remain hard and inedible. You’re one tough cookie.
Sagittarius: The spoils go to the winners, but the losers have more fun. Probably because they have more time on their hands, and they know where all the booze is hidden. Forget the gold for a while; de-stress and find some good loser friends this weekend.
Capricorn: In each life some rain must fall, but no one said anything about a hailstorm of haddock. Leave it to you to have an original disaster. At least the pictures will be worth something later.
Aquarius: You can shine bright like a diamond, or hide in the dark like a Lego on the floor. Either way, you’ll get some attention and a few screams.
Pisces: You’ve been trying to fly high toward your goal, and boy, are your arms tired. Hitch a ride on a passing eagle and take the easy flight for a while. You’ve earned it.
Aries: Be the thing no one expects, like a dozen Legos scattered across the carpet. You’ll have people hopping and screaming in the middle of the night.
Taurus: Monday will be the best of times and the worst of times, and that’s just the first couple of hours before lunch. Pack extra undies, because it’s going to be a long drama llama day.
Gemini: Life is good, so go ahead and sing like a room full of parrots with Adele on Spotify. If you belt out those tunes loud enough, bad luck will hold its ears and run the other direction.
Cancer: The world is your oyster, so laugh at those telling you to shuck it. The longer you keep it happy and fed, the bigger your pearl will be. That’s homegrown bling.
Leo: You’re a supervillain in a world filled with henchmen. Just tell them what to do and provide free uniforms; world domination usually hinges on good employment benefits.
Virgo: Sometimes you don’t need all the answers, you only need a hefty Magic 8-Ball and a good throwing arm. If your problems don’t duck, a dent in the head will make their future fuzzy.
Libra: Thursday will gnaw at your pants leg like an enthusiastic ferret. Don’t ignore it, or it will do much worse things on Friday.
Scorpio: Someone’s trying to write you off like you’re a minor character in an Adam Sandler movie. Balance your resume with some thoughtful roles or you’ll never be heard from again, except for late-night reruns when there’s no ballgame to watch.
Sagittarius: Spread your wings and fly, just wait until you get outside to do it. Otherwise, your grandmother will be pissed that you’ve knocked over and broken most of her “Golden Girls” figurines.
Capricorn: You can’t judge a book by its cover. Unless it’s a blank journal, then the cover’s pretty important. You still have to write all the words, though. Uncork your deepest thoughts on life, the universe and your favorite ‘Scooby Doo’ character.
Aquarius: Arguing with your boss is like tying a bikini on a goldfish: it doesn’t do anything, and you’re going to end up with more knots than you need. Let him splash aimlessly in his opinions and stand clear so you’re not the one who ends up all wet.
Pisces: Embrace life on Friday. It needs a good hug, and you can surreptitiously go through its pockets while making it feel good at the same time. Hey, not all hugs are free; good ones can cost five bucks and half a pack of Rolaids.