You are currently browsing the monthly archive for September 2016.

Aries:  You’re a wild combination of good deeds and dirty thoughts this week. Feel free to help an old lady across the street, just don’t let her see that battery-operated rocket in your pocket. You might get more than you bargained for.

Taurus: Tuesday is a fantastic day if you want to get things done. If you don’t? Too bad. Pick up a mop and a barrel of bleach, because your room looks like a Jackson Pollack painting under a blacklight.

Gemini: If the future looks bright, it probably means a meteor hit it. Now is no time to be a dinosaur; evolve fast into something with wings so you can soar above the impact zone. Perhaps a cutting-edge eagle who knows how to fix wi-fi.

Cancer: Everyone agrees you’re awesome, so quit kicking your own butt and get on the bandwagon.  The seats are upholstered and fluffy, so your tushie won’t suffer.

Leo: Not everything needs to be fixed. Some times a situation isn’t broken, it’s just bent a little. Give it some room and it will spring back to shape without your screwdriver in it.

Virgo: The universe works in mysterious ways, but it also loves a good romance, too. Make yours one of those pop-up picture books and karma will provide the perfect character for your kinky story.

Libra: You are a sunset, you are a cloud, you are the wind. You also may have accidentally taken your mother-in-law’s happy meds at the family reunion. Ask your loved ones to tie a string to your ankle. They’ll either keep you grounded or fly you like a kite.

Scorpio: Love doesn’t judge. Your neighbors do, though, so ask the circus performers to put something on before they do the walk of shame out of your house on Monday morning.

Sagittarius: On Friday, you’re like a cat riding a Roomba: you don’t care what you’re wearing or where you’re going, as long as someone else is driving. Break out the shark costume and you could go viral.

Capricorn: Your boss has some peculiar ideas, and it falls to you to straighten her out. The world isn’t ready for 3-D printed pizza, no matter how much cheese you put on the plastic pepperoni.

Aquarius: You like a place for everything and everything in its place but you can’t put Baby in a corner. Seriously, did you learn nothing from Patrick Swayze in the 1980s?

Pisces: You’ve got the skill, but you need to dig deep and unearth it. If you can’t find a shovel, grab a spoon and start tunneling. Financial freedom and independence isn’t that far away.

Aries: If wishes were horses, they would really mess up your carpet. Wishes are actually helium balloons someone has rubbed against their leg and attached to your head. When you’re annoyed enough, you’ll finally work to make them come true.

Taurus: You can wait for good things to come to you, or you can find out where all the good things are made and get hired. The employee discount is awesome if you don’t mind occasionally dinged opportunities.

Gemini: Wednesday should be savored slowly. If you try to gobble it down fast, it will burn you like a microwaved burrito and you’ll look like a pug with its tongue hanging out for the rest of the week.

Cancer: To some, the glass is half-full, others see it as half-empty. You just want to know why there’s water in your glass instead of whiskey. Call over the waiter and get that straightened out.

Leo: That crazy plan of yours? Don’t try it until Friday and even then, wear thick gloves. Jalapeno jam and fake fur is very hard to wash off but it’s such a good look for your boss.

Virgo: There’s no stopping you, which means you may slam into your next opportunity instead of slowing down and cruising past. Thank goodness for karmic air bags.

Libra: You don’t have a lust for success, but you wouldn’t mind seeing it dance in glitter and a g-string. Maybe a lap dance with a better attitude will make your interest rise.

Scorpio: You can be born to greatness, or just find it at a flea market and sell it on eBay. It didn’t fit you anyway, and you’d rather have the money for a new 50-inch TV.

Sagittarius: Feeling fidgety and feverish? Have yourself checked for butt monkeys. They’re more dangerous than the Zika virus, because Zika can’t crawl out and trash your house while you sleep.

Capricorn: From small seeds, great things can grow and bloom, but they really shouldn’t be growing in the shower stall. Clean that bathroom grout before the greenery turns into Seymour.

Aquarius: If you love something, set it free, especially if it’s a relationship partner who eats your pizza and watches YouTube videos all day. Sometimes setting something free means dropping it off at its parents’ house and changing your locks.

Pisces: Life is like toilet paper: when you’re used to it rough, experiencing something soft and luxurious blows your mind. Get used to it, because your brand is changing to something much cushier on the tush.

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