Aries: You’re feeling more conspicuous than a Taylor Swift fan at a Kanye West concert. Instead of blending in, proudly stand out. If someone gives you a hard time, just write a song about them and collect your millions.

Taurus: The heart wants what it wants, but it’s just like a toddler; sometimes you must tell it ‘No.’ Especially if you don’t want it to blow up after a truckload of ice cream and bacon.

Gemini: You see a chance to improve yourself, and that’s good. Not every remodeling job requires a chain saw and Thor’s hammer.  Slow down and study the blueprints first or no one will let you near a nail gun.

Cancer: Sometimes when you think you’re meant for better things, it just means you get to work the register instead of the grill. Buck up and ask the universe for a promotion. You’ll still work hard, but you might get a tie and a few days of vacation.

Leo: Rome wasn’t built in a day, but then again, the Romans didn’t have you around. Slow your roll and take time with your empire. You want something to last longer than a Jenga tower of Styrofoam.

Virgo: The coast is clear, and no one suspects you. Time to whip off those underwear and make a beeline for the copier. Those end-of-quarter reports will never be the same again.

Libra: The time to wear a bikini is 2:44 p.m. on Thursday. It’s great if you’re at the beach, but even better if you’re at the office. Those disciplinary hearings are always a hoot when they’re trying to avoid your hooters.

Scorpio: Forget the song; life isn’t a cabaret. It’s more of a family circus, but with corn dogs and crying. Slap on that ringmaster’s hat and tame those wild offspring. The crowd will be amazed.

Sagittarius: You are praised, you are heroic, and you are untouchable. Everyone will be kind and thoughtful around you and do your bidding because you control the wi-fi. It’s good to be the king.

Capricorn: Karma’s got you covered this week. The wind will be at your back when you’re trying to get somewhere, and the breeze blows the other way when you have to fart.

Aquarius: If you wake up and the world is a beautiful place, it means you fell asleep with your VR goggles on again. Take them off, because life isn’t perfect, but it can be really funny if you know where to drop the banana peel.

Pisces: You’re moving forward so slowly, a snail is doing laps around you. Keep going; that braggy slug can’t keep up his frantic pace for long.

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