You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August 2016.

Aries: Your brain wants full speed ahead, but your tush keeps going backward and two steps to the left toward the couch. Get everything in gear and going the same direction, and you’ll win the day. Or at least make it to the mailbox.

Taurus: Don’t be intimidated by angry birds. There are far worse things you can imagine, like vengeful birds who just had a full lunch and spot your freshly washed car.

Gemini: Progress feels slow, but you look like a speeding jackrabbit to someone on the outside. Once you hop over the finish line, you’ll see just how far you’ve come.

Cancer: You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both because they’re in a clearance bin at Walmart. Don’t worry, you’ll figure out how to use 20 pounds of slightly iffy margarine.

Leo: Fighting the universe is like playing Twister with an octopus. Sooner or later, you’re going to get all tangled up. Relax, do some stretches, and take each turn as it comes.

Virgo: Sure, you’re good enough to go pro in the Paper Airplane League, but are you positive you want to leave behind all those accounting groupies who just want you to fill in their spreadsheets? Tough choice.

Libra: The road of life always has a few bumps. Those you can deal with, it’s the washed out bridge, the sinkhole, the chainsaw-wielding hitchhikers and the spiked speed strips you have to watch out for. You can do it, you’re a master of Mario Kart.

Scorpio: You’re a tuba player in Karma’s marching band on Wednesday: full of sass and air. Swing that swag and show off your moves. There could be a tuba scout in the audience waiting to catch the next big star.

Sagittarius: On Monday, you’re less “Flight of the Bumblebees” and more “Rolling of the Dung Beetles.” At least you can pack all the crap your job throws at you into one tight ball.

Capricorn: Dance like no one’s watching, because they’re all glued to Pokemon Go right now. The only way you’ll get attention is by prancing naked with a Snorlax painted on your belly. Sometimes you don’t want to catch them all.

Aquarius: You see an opportunity, but it doesn’t see you. Walk up to it, take its glasses off, clean them and give them back. That should make a first impression, unless it screams and blasts you with pepper spray.

Pisces: Your head is always in the clouds, which explains why your neck is so stiff and achy. Do something different; stretch out on the grass and watch the clouds roll by. They’ll be grateful to not get caught in your eyebrows for a while.

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Aries: Beware of bearers of bad news, and double your caution if they’re actual bears. It’s summer, and they’re just finding an excuse to eat you and take over your swimming pool.

Taurus: Life isn’t as bad as you think. It’s probably worse, but as long as you keep those rose-colored glasses duct-taped to your head, you’re good. Go out and enjoy yourself.

Gemini: Hearts and rainbows light up your path, and grateful peasants litter your lap with flower petals and cash this week, all because you make a great cup of coffee. Keep it up and you’ll have everyone under your caffeinated thumb.

Cancer: Others may be afraid of screams in the dark, but not you. You’re the one who scattered Legos across the floor so the bogeyman couldn’t get to you. Sleep sound, because you’re the one all creepy things tiptoe around.

Leo: You are a lighthouse in the fog of co-workers’ confusion. Shining brightly is well and good, but expect several ships crashing on the rocks while you go on vacation. Perhaps you can leave a disco ball in your place so they can admire something shiny while you’re gone.

Virgo: The greatest gift isn’t someone having your baby, it’s letting that person sleep in occasionally after they have your baby. Break out the Wiggles DVDs and Froot Loops if needed.

Libra: Sometimes progress is a slow march through the swamp, and other times it’s a high-stepping run because there’s a mad bull behind you. Thursday will be a mix of both, so wear waterproof socks and your best running shoes.

Scorpio: Don’t worry about fighting fair on Friday; it’s not the whole fair you must triumph over, just a few selected carnies and that guy who runs the batting cage. Throw corn dogs past your foes to distract them, and make a break for it.

Sagittarius: Everyone needs a little help sometimes, so quit biting that hand in front of you before it slaps your face off. Karma’s kindness has a strict limit on patience.

Capricorn: You can soar like an eagle, or waddle about like a penguin. Either way, you’re popular on the Internet. If only you could turn those likes and shares into rent money.

Aquarius: Nothing says “success” like a great ride, winning smile and a level 20 profile on Pokemon Go. If you can’t swing any of those, offer to buy the beer while your friends chase some Zubats.

Pisces: When the universe offers you too many options, you freeze in indecision. Thaw your mind and pick a card, any card. Karma will make the trick work in your favor, and all will be amazed.

Aries: You’re feeling more conspicuous than a Taylor Swift fan at a Kanye West concert. Instead of blending in, proudly stand out. If someone gives you a hard time, just write a song about them and collect your millions.

Taurus: The heart wants what it wants, but it’s just like a toddler; sometimes you must tell it ‘No.’ Especially if you don’t want it to blow up after a truckload of ice cream and bacon.

Gemini: You see a chance to improve yourself, and that’s good. Not every remodeling job requires a chain saw and Thor’s hammer.  Slow down and study the blueprints first or no one will let you near a nail gun.

Cancer: Sometimes when you think you’re meant for better things, it just means you get to work the register instead of the grill. Buck up and ask the universe for a promotion. You’ll still work hard, but you might get a tie and a few days of vacation.

Leo: Rome wasn’t built in a day, but then again, the Romans didn’t have you around. Slow your roll and take time with your empire. You want something to last longer than a Jenga tower of Styrofoam.

Virgo: The coast is clear, and no one suspects you. Time to whip off those underwear and make a beeline for the copier. Those end-of-quarter reports will never be the same again.

Libra: The time to wear a bikini is 2:44 p.m. on Thursday. It’s great if you’re at the beach, but even better if you’re at the office. Those disciplinary hearings are always a hoot when they’re trying to avoid your hooters.

Scorpio: Forget the song; life isn’t a cabaret. It’s more of a family circus, but with corn dogs and crying. Slap on that ringmaster’s hat and tame those wild offspring. The crowd will be amazed.

Sagittarius: You are praised, you are heroic, and you are untouchable. Everyone will be kind and thoughtful around you and do your bidding because you control the wi-fi. It’s good to be the king.

Capricorn: Karma’s got you covered this week. The wind will be at your back when you’re trying to get somewhere, and the breeze blows the other way when you have to fart.

Aquarius: If you wake up and the world is a beautiful place, it means you fell asleep with your VR goggles on again. Take them off, because life isn’t perfect, but it can be really funny if you know where to drop the banana peel.

Pisces: You’re moving forward so slowly, a snail is doing laps around you. Keep going; that braggy slug can’t keep up his frantic pace for long.