You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April 2016.

Aries: Every dog has his day, but an ambitious wombat can score a week or more. Instead of rolling over in the dirt, try to be more exotic. If you feel like a capybara, you could earn at least a month of Internet fame.

Taurus: You don’t have to reach for the stars, but at least reach for a dictionary. It will broaden your vocabulary or help you kill spiders. Either path gets you out of your chair.

Gemini: A lottery ticket purchased at 2:08 p.m. Wednesday will have a major effect on your life. Could be a jackpot, or it could keep you off the street when the out-of-control robot-driven car full of Roombas blasts through an intersection.

Cancer: Thursday is like a Facebook quiz; shallow, annoying and deep down you know you’re really Cinderella, not Scar from the Lion King. Wait until Friday rolls around, and you can try out another personality.

Leo: You’re upset that the road has been rough. What you’ll see on Tuesday is that the ride may have been bumpy, but you’re still moving forward. Make the most of it! Yell “Yee-haw!” and bounce with the potholes until you hit a smooth stretch.

Virgo: You’ve put in the hard work, now it’s time to reap the rewards. Don’t use a scythe, though; between that and the black hoodie you’re wearing, you could cause a lot of car wrecks while walking to the office.

Libra: Nothing’s impossible with a ferret at your side. Just don’t glue him to you, otherwise his fur will be messed up. Let him ride shotgun, so he can call out directions from Google Maps while you run the yellow lights.

Scorpio: Don’t worry if you can’t find your groove. Borrow one from your favorite song. Play it in the original vinyl and you’ll find all the grooves you need.

Sagittarius: You’re feeling pricklier than a cactus with goosebumps. Quit trying to make everyont see your political viewpoint on Facebook and tackle something easier, like wrestling a short-tempered alligator. Or yoga. Yoga’s good.

Capricorn: It’s tough to find the beauty in every day, but you’ll have a better chance if you look behind the couch. It’s quiet, you have the space to yourself, and there’s usually a few forgotten Cheetos.

Aquarius: Life is for the living, which is good, because it’s really hard to get a zombie to go skydiving with you. Enjoy something that gets your blood pumping, and do it far away from that zombie.

Pisces: You finally have the courage to climb out of that hole, so don’t volunteer to jump back in when everyone wonders where you are. Make sure you have a firm grip on that tree before you wave to them.

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