Aries: You don’t have much at stake in the grand scheme of things, but you’re a power player in the small schemes. Just remember, don’t take candy from a baby if the mom has her iPhone out and can plaster your butt all over the Internet.
Taurus: When you feel very small, take comfort that tiny things have great power. Ants can carry off a picnic and chiggers can make a grown man twitch and strip. Go forth and annoy someone today.
Gemini: You receive a message from your past on Thursday. Listen to what it says and be glad it’s not an overdue cable bill.
Cancer: Feeling stuck in your life? Relax. It’s the ultimate thrill ride, and you’re just clicking up to the top. Keep your elbows and have that barf bag ready.
Leo: People think you’re harmless because you shaved your mane. They don’t realize it just makes you quieter when sneaking up on your prey. Be stealthy and they’ll never see you coming around the photocopier.
Virgo: Like He-Man, you have the power, you just don’t have the abs to swing that sword. Do a little jazzercise and you’ll be ready for Castle Grayskull in no time.
Libra: People say still waters run deep, but they don’t know you’re basically a mud puddle. Don’t ruin the illusion; read a few weighty books and you can make your own splash in bigger waters.
Scorpio: Everyone talks about the weather but no one does anything about it. When you do something about it, they call you a witch. Basically, you just need to hang out with a better class of people.
Sagittarius: Happiness isn’t about the big stuff. It’s in the little moments, like watching the dog lick your mother-in-law’s cup before she pours her coffee into it.
Capricorn: Don’t hide your light under a bushel, that’s a fire hazard. Let it shine responsibly on a flame-proof surface. Better yet, use a glowstick as your light and shake things up whenever you the feel the urge.
Aquarius: In the quiet reflection of the day, you discover the perfect comeback for the person who stole your parking spot. Don’t worry, you’ll get another chance to kick some verbal butt tomorrow. Write it on your hand so you don’t forget.
Pisces: You’re feeling out of place, like a typo on a tattooed librarian. When words fail you, just get your point across with butterflies and strangely appealing Spongebob poses. You’ll fit right in.