Aries: Wednesday is a good day to review your stocks. If you don’t have investments, have a staring contest with a cow. Either way, you get out of the house and your mom can change your sheets.

Taurus: Do you know where you’re going to? If the answer is “no” and you’ve just taken flight from a sharp corner of the overpass, quit reading on your phone and start screaming like a sane person would. Also, get a better GPS for the car.

Gemini: Looks like a good day ahead. Don’t worry, it won’t bite, but luck might lick you on the face. Offer karma a breath mint and be glad it’s a toy poodle of fortune and not a Great Dane.

Cancer: Not everything behind closed doors needs to be released. There’s a reason it’s called Pandora’s Box and not Pandora’s Bucket. Leave some things alone and they won’t give you a mega-wedgie later.

Leo: Want that big promotion? Take the next step. And the next. One more. See, now you’re in the boss’ office. Hop on his desk, do a leprechaun dance and tell him you’re the one for the job. No one can resist that.

Virgo: Dress for success on Tuesday. If you can’t swing that, at least wear pants when you leave the house. Sometimes success just means not getting arrested for indecent exposure.

Libra: So you’re not a diamond in the rough. Who cares? You’re at least a Cubic Zirconia in the rough, so you’re good enough for QVC or eBay. Flaunt your gorgeous discount self.

Scorpio: The Bluebird of Happiness swoops upon you this week, so turn off that 10,000 volt fence around your heart. It’s easier to enjoy life without the smell of burnt feathers.

Sagittarius: People don’t expect much from you, which is good on Friday. Fulfill their low expectations and surprise them with all of your big moves on Monday.

Capricorn: The pen is mightier than the sword, especially when there are two million of them hurtling past in an office supply truck. Watch your step, unless you see a pickup full of armed ninjas zooming to your rescue.

Aquarius: A mishap with a glue stick and some Monopoly money gets you mugged at a playground. Hope your insurance is paid up, because packs of toddlers are more vicious than honey badgers. Throw cupcakes at them and you can make your escape.

Pisces: You’ve been reaching for the stars, but you freak out when you actually catch one. Don’t panic, just put on some super heat-proof gloves so you can hitch your wagon to it.

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