Aries: If a wombat, Chris Rock and a peyote salesman walked into a bar together, they couldn’t dream up the week you’re about to have. Make sure your shoes are tied, your morals are loose and your insurance is paid up.

Taurus: Your muse isn’t a friendly little fairy on your shoulder. It’s hairy and dark and hiding under your bed. Offer it some cookies and be inspired—and a little scared—again.

Gemini: If you’ve been hiding your secret passion, bring it out into the open and let your freak flag fly. Not everyone will embrace your lust for Tennessee Ernie Ford in tap shoes, but they’ll give you plenty of room in the company kitchen.

Cancer: Take a deep breath and find your center. Is it caramel? Orange cream? Or are you filled with nuts? Ignore those who just want to stick a finger in you; sooner or later, someone will find you delicious.

Leo: You won the Oscar! You won the Oscar! Wait, that was just Leo DiCaprio. Take heart, you could still win “Most Improved Attitude” at work once you quit peeing behind the photocopier.

Virgo: All those inappropriate comments will finally land you in Human Resources, but don’t worry if you lose your job. With your brain and charisma, you could easily become a roadkill collector or President of the United States.

Libra: You’re pulling so many rabbits out of your hat, people will wonder if there’s a hole in your chapeau. At least you’re not yanking bunnies out of your pants; otherwise folks would just think you have a bunch of wild hares up your butt.

Scorpio: Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, but a vegan can do both if you shoot him out of a cannon over a lake. You should find a new hobby, though, because once they hit land again, they can easily outrun and overtake you.

Sagittarius: Stay away from bearded men with axes, unless you work at a pioneer craft fair or are married to an incurable hipster. In that case, just keep an eye on them.

Capricorn: Yes, beauty is skin-deep, but ugly doesn’t go to the bone. It floats around a person, like a fart cloud that won’t fade. Keep your nose on alert while you’re among the beautiful people this week.

Aquarius: Take life one day at a time, unless you prefer a full house. Really, any sitcom title will do for Wednesday, because they all end with a lesson and a hearty laugh at the end.

Pisces: Don’t just push past the fear; slap it and give it a vicious wedgie. It’s kept you down for long enough, and it should know you’re not a pushover anymore.

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