You are currently browsing the monthly archive for March 2016.

Aries: You may already be a winner! Or not. Depends on if you believe your junk mail. In any case, you’ll have a nice chicken dinner lined up for Thursday night.

Taurus: It’s great when everything’s coming up roses, but they shouldn’t be sprouting in your laundry hamper. Time for some spring cleaning before weeds take over your bathroom grout.

Gemini: Change is coming your way. Could be dimes and nickels, or it could be that your life’s path needs a fresh diaper because everything has turned to poo. No matter what happens, you’ll feel better afterward.

Cancer: Someone wants you to play by the rules, but you’re too deep into some cool experimental jazz, daddy-o. Tell those squares to get hip, slap on your beret and lay down some wild melodies of your own.

Leo: The spotlight turned off, and you feel invisible. Wait for your eyes to adjust and you’ll see lots of people rooting you on, you just thought they were part of the woodwork. Remember to appreciate them when the spotlight hits you again.

Virgo: You can’t always tell beauty from the beast by looks alone. Wait for someone to speak their mind, and you’ll likely strike up a friendship with Mr. Big and Hairy, because Little Miss Princess is a high-maintenance diva.

Libra: Actions speak louder than words, and your boss is holding a megaphone up to your brain. Either take notes, or prepare to heavily pad your resume and hope your next employer is just as clueless as you.

Scorpio: You wake up with a great idea on Friday. While it could work, think everything through before you try to train a herd of cats to use coffeemakers. Sure, MeowBucks would be an awesome coffeehouse, but where will you put the litter boxes?

Sagittarius: When you’re right, you’re right. When you’re wrong, you’re so far off the mark you need to take an Uber to the target. This time, save some money and walk to the right conclusion. Your brain needs the exercise.

Capricorn: You’re like a roast beef and gravy-flavored Pop Tart. The idea of you is great, but you’re not so tasty in reality. Add some spice to your personal recipe and let your flaky crust show. You’re more pot pie material, anyway.

Aquarius: Sometimes life can use a little kick, as long as it’s to your pants and not your head. Learn to duck and dodge if you don’t want to be dizzy all weekend.

Pisces: Quit worrying about which path to take, dress up in your red riding hood and get out there. Sure, you may spot a few wolves, but you’re packing pepper spray and a stun gun in that basket.

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Aries: You don’t have much at stake in the grand scheme of things, but you’re a power player in the small schemes. Just remember, don’t take candy from a baby if the mom has her iPhone out and can plaster your butt all over the Internet.

Taurus: When you feel very small, take comfort that tiny things have great power. Ants can carry off a picnic and chiggers can make a grown man twitch and strip. Go forth and annoy someone today.

Gemini: You receive a message from your past on Thursday. Listen to what it says and be glad it’s not an overdue cable bill.

Cancer: Feeling stuck in your life? Relax. It’s the ultimate thrill ride, and you’re just clicking up to the top. Keep your elbows and have that barf bag ready.

Leo: People think you’re harmless because you shaved your mane. They don’t realize it just makes you quieter when sneaking up on your prey. Be stealthy and they’ll never see  you coming around the photocopier.

Virgo: Like He-Man, you have the power, you just don’t have the abs to swing that sword. Do a little jazzercise and you’ll be ready for Castle Grayskull in no time.

Libra: People say still waters run deep, but they don’t know you’re basically a mud puddle. Don’t ruin the illusion; read a few weighty books and you can make your own splash in bigger waters.

Scorpio: Everyone talks about the weather but no one does anything about it. When you do something about it, they call you a witch. Basically, you just need to hang out with a better class of people.

Sagittarius: Happiness isn’t about the big stuff. It’s in the little moments, like watching the dog lick your mother-in-law’s cup before she pours her coffee into it.

Capricorn: Don’t hide your light under a bushel, that’s a fire hazard. Let it shine responsibly on a flame-proof surface. Better yet, use a glowstick as your light and shake things up whenever you the feel the urge.

Aquarius: In the quiet reflection of the day, you discover the perfect comeback for the person who stole your parking spot. Don’t worry, you’ll get another chance to kick some verbal butt tomorrow. Write it on your hand so you don’t forget.

Pisces: You’re feeling out of place, like a typo on a tattooed librarian. When words fail you, just get your point across with butterflies and strangely appealing Spongebob poses. You’ll fit right in.

Aries: Wednesday is a good day to review your stocks. If you don’t have investments, have a staring contest with a cow. Either way, you get out of the house and your mom can change your sheets.

Taurus: Do you know where you’re going to? If the answer is “no” and you’ve just taken flight from a sharp corner of the overpass, quit reading on your phone and start screaming like a sane person would. Also, get a better GPS for the car.

Gemini: Looks like a good day ahead. Don’t worry, it won’t bite, but luck might lick you on the face. Offer karma a breath mint and be glad it’s a toy poodle of fortune and not a Great Dane.

Cancer: Not everything behind closed doors needs to be released. There’s a reason it’s called Pandora’s Box and not Pandora’s Bucket. Leave some things alone and they won’t give you a mega-wedgie later.

Leo: Want that big promotion? Take the next step. And the next. One more. See, now you’re in the boss’ office. Hop on his desk, do a leprechaun dance and tell him you’re the one for the job. No one can resist that.

Virgo: Dress for success on Tuesday. If you can’t swing that, at least wear pants when you leave the house. Sometimes success just means not getting arrested for indecent exposure.

Libra: So you’re not a diamond in the rough. Who cares? You’re at least a Cubic Zirconia in the rough, so you’re good enough for QVC or eBay. Flaunt your gorgeous discount self.

Scorpio: The Bluebird of Happiness swoops upon you this week, so turn off that 10,000 volt fence around your heart. It’s easier to enjoy life without the smell of burnt feathers.

Sagittarius: People don’t expect much from you, which is good on Friday. Fulfill their low expectations and surprise them with all of your big moves on Monday.

Capricorn: The pen is mightier than the sword, especially when there are two million of them hurtling past in an office supply truck. Watch your step, unless you see a pickup full of armed ninjas zooming to your rescue.

Aquarius: A mishap with a glue stick and some Monopoly money gets you mugged at a playground. Hope your insurance is paid up, because packs of toddlers are more vicious than honey badgers. Throw cupcakes at them and you can make your escape.

Pisces: You’ve been reaching for the stars, but you freak out when you actually catch one. Don’t panic, just put on some super heat-proof gloves so you can hitch your wagon to it.

Aries: If a wombat, Chris Rock and a peyote salesman walked into a bar together, they couldn’t dream up the week you’re about to have. Make sure your shoes are tied, your morals are loose and your insurance is paid up.

Taurus: Your muse isn’t a friendly little fairy on your shoulder. It’s hairy and dark and hiding under your bed. Offer it some cookies and be inspired—and a little scared—again.

Gemini: If you’ve been hiding your secret passion, bring it out into the open and let your freak flag fly. Not everyone will embrace your lust for Tennessee Ernie Ford in tap shoes, but they’ll give you plenty of room in the company kitchen.

Cancer: Take a deep breath and find your center. Is it caramel? Orange cream? Or are you filled with nuts? Ignore those who just want to stick a finger in you; sooner or later, someone will find you delicious.

Leo: You won the Oscar! You won the Oscar! Wait, that was just Leo DiCaprio. Take heart, you could still win “Most Improved Attitude” at work once you quit peeing behind the photocopier.

Virgo: All those inappropriate comments will finally land you in Human Resources, but don’t worry if you lose your job. With your brain and charisma, you could easily become a roadkill collector or President of the United States.

Libra: You’re pulling so many rabbits out of your hat, people will wonder if there’s a hole in your chapeau. At least you’re not yanking bunnies out of your pants; otherwise folks would just think you have a bunch of wild hares up your butt.

Scorpio: Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, but a vegan can do both if you shoot him out of a cannon over a lake. You should find a new hobby, though, because once they hit land again, they can easily outrun and overtake you.

Sagittarius: Stay away from bearded men with axes, unless you work at a pioneer craft fair or are married to an incurable hipster. In that case, just keep an eye on them.

Capricorn: Yes, beauty is skin-deep, but ugly doesn’t go to the bone. It floats around a person, like a fart cloud that won’t fade. Keep your nose on alert while you’re among the beautiful people this week.

Aquarius: Take life one day at a time, unless you prefer a full house. Really, any sitcom title will do for Wednesday, because they all end with a lesson and a hearty laugh at the end.

Pisces: Don’t just push past the fear; slap it and give it a vicious wedgie. It’s kept you down for long enough, and it should know you’re not a pushover anymore.