Aries: You’re bold, you’re brave, but you’re not getting any traction. If you insist on running like Wile E. Coyote over the cliff, you’re going to need better shoes. Maybe a parachute, too.

Taurus: You’re definitely in a pickle, but it could be worse. You could be in a jam, and you really don’t need all that sugar. Either pop out of the jar or let yourself stew; at least you’ll be well-preserved.

Gemini: Fend for yourself this week. A chicken in every pot is a lot better than pot in every chicken. Those fowl-mouthed birds can clean you out of munchies.

Cancer: On Tuesday, an old friend is a sight for sore eyes. It’s definitely better than a sore sight for your eyes, which happens every time your great-grandma wears her see-through blouse to the family reunion.

Leo: It’s great to get out of the hamster cage, but taking a break means relaxing, not running in circles. Stretch out for a nap and leave the wheel behind this time around. Besides, it’s really hard to strap that giant hamster wheel on the car for a vacation.

Virgo: Love means never having to say you’re sorry, because your sweetie already took revenge by letting the dog lick your coffee cup before breakfast this morning. Apologize immediately for whatever you did, or you may be dragging your butt on the carpet by tonight.

Libra: Wrap yourself in patience and kindness, and your heart will always be warm. Add a parka and some woolly socks too, because kindness doesn’t prevent frostbite on your toes.

Scorpio: Your boss comes looking for you on Wednesday. Sit up tall and don’t crawl under your desk like last time. Everyone looks suspicious when they’re hiding in a nest of computer cords.

Sagittarius: Sometimes the best course of action is an obstacle course, so tie your shoes and practice jumping. There will be a few hoops ahead, and one of them might be on fire.

Capricorn: Just your luck: you find your place in the universe, and someone’s built a putt-putt course on it. Stand your ground. Karma will back you up, and you might even score a few free games.

Aquarius: Everyone wants you to mind your Ps and Qs, but they didn’t mention crossing your Ts and dotting your Is along the way. If they’re going to be picky about it, grab a few Zzzzs and let them sort out their own alphabet.

Pisces: Don’t sit still in that ray of sunshine. Those things move, so grab it by the mane and ride it like John Travolta. Or John Wayne. Any cowboyish John will do. Just hang on, and it will take you through some bright, sunny days.