Aries: No matter where you go, there you are. Unless your GPS needs updating, in which case you’re located two miles away near a creek or a stoplight. Recalculate and go find yourself.

Taurus: The brightest star can’t compare with the shining example you’ve become. Breaking open a thousand glow sticks and painting yourself was artistic, but getting to sleep will be a challenge for a while.

Gemini: There’s nothing but blue sky ahead of you, which is unsettling because you’re sure you were driving a car just a few minutes ago. Looks like you’ve discovered the Weasleys’ magic ride; remember to stay securely fastened until you land.

Cancer: All’s fair in love and war, but the PTA is a free-for-all. No one would blame you if you snuck laxatives in Ms. Perfect’s brownie mix for the big bake sale. In fact, it would clear the air in more ways than one.

Leo: You can take advice from a rabbit or a turtle this week, but the big question is: when did you start hearing animal voices in your head? Listen to the concerned wombat and get your medication levels checked.

Virgo: Everyone needs a little help now and again. You just didn’t expect it from such an unlikely source. Who knew Tinder could be used to check your kale smoothie recipe? Next time, ask that fit dude if he has any great ideas about sausage stuffing.

Libra: You’re not sure whether the light in that tunnel is an oncoming train or a speedy Road Runner with a flashlight strapped to his helmet. Either way, get out of there, because you’re clearly outwitted.

Scorpio: They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but sometimes that one step is a journey by itself. Aren’t you glad you moved the fridge into the living room next to your recliner?

Sagittarius: The best things in life are free, like the feeling of knowing your teenager is searching desperately for their phone, and you’re sitting on it. The buzzing from all those texts is starting to tickle your butt, though.

Capricorn: Wednesday is an excellent day to get what you want, so boldly stride into that building and demand extra sprinkles on your half-mocha soy caramel sea salt eggplant cappuccino. You’ve earned it.

Aquarius: You realize that you’ve been on Facebook for 47 hours and you can’t remember the last time you saw a face or a book. Go outside and see if you can hold an actual conversation.

Pisces: Lock yourself in a quiet room. Hear the sounds of nature outside your window. Listen to the birds. There, you’ve finally got that Adele song out of your head. Oops, spoke too soon. Rats.

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