You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2016.
Aries: You’re bold, you’re brave, but you’re not getting any traction. If you insist on running like Wile E. Coyote over the cliff, you’re going to need better shoes. Maybe a parachute, too.
Taurus: You’re definitely in a pickle, but it could be worse. You could be in a jam, and you really don’t need all that sugar. Either pop out of the jar or let yourself stew; at least you’ll be well-preserved.
Gemini: Fend for yourself this week. A chicken in every pot is a lot better than pot in every chicken. Those fowl-mouthed birds can clean you out of munchies.
Cancer: On Tuesday, an old friend is a sight for sore eyes. It’s definitely better than a sore sight for your eyes, which happens every time your great-grandma wears her see-through blouse to the family reunion.
Leo: It’s great to get out of the hamster cage, but taking a break means relaxing, not running in circles. Stretch out for a nap and leave the wheel behind this time around. Besides, it’s really hard to strap that giant hamster wheel on the car for a vacation.
Virgo: Love means never having to say you’re sorry, because your sweetie already took revenge by letting the dog lick your coffee cup before breakfast this morning. Apologize immediately for whatever you did, or you may be dragging your butt on the carpet by tonight.
Libra: Wrap yourself in patience and kindness, and your heart will always be warm. Add a parka and some woolly socks too, because kindness doesn’t prevent frostbite on your toes.
Scorpio: Your boss comes looking for you on Wednesday. Sit up tall and don’t crawl under your desk like last time. Everyone looks suspicious when they’re hiding in a nest of computer cords.
Sagittarius: Sometimes the best course of action is an obstacle course, so tie your shoes and practice jumping. There will be a few hoops ahead, and one of them might be on fire.
Capricorn: Just your luck: you find your place in the universe, and someone’s built a putt-putt course on it. Stand your ground. Karma will back you up, and you might even score a few free games.
Aquarius: Everyone wants you to mind your Ps and Qs, but they didn’t mention crossing your Ts and dotting your Is along the way. If they’re going to be picky about it, grab a few Zzzzs and let them sort out their own alphabet.
Pisces: Don’t sit still in that ray of sunshine. Those things move, so grab it by the mane and ride it like John Travolta. Or John Wayne. Any cowboyish John will do. Just hang on, and it will take you through some bright, sunny days.
Aries: You’re used to the universe smiling down, so when it sneezes on you instead, all you want is to wash your hair. Karma’s head cold won’t last long, although you might want to wear a hat until it’s gone.
Taurus: Your soul was meant to fly, but will you soar like an eagle, or circle like a buzzard? Leave dead issues alone; if you pick at them, you won’t curry favor, just carrion breath.
Gemini: You’re feeling bolder than a new bag of Doritos, and your zest for life means no one’s putting you down. Hand out the Wet Wipes, because you can’t help leaving behind a spicy residue.
Cancer: If you can’t see the forest for the trees, ask a friend to drive you around until you replace those contact lenses. Otherwise, you’ll act like a birch and run over someone’s ash.
Leo: Nothing written in stone; sometimes it’s spelled out in Silly Putty, so quit chiseling at blocks to get the answer you want, sit down and have some fun. Karma makes an awesome play date.
Virgo: On Tuesday, nothing makes sense: dogs live with cats, reality stars are fully dressed and polite and politicians get sensible things done. Check your mailbox for cash, because anything could happen.
Libra: You’ll identify the rational, logical choices in your life and skid in between them at 90 miles an hour while doing a wheelie. If you crash, take comfort that your friends posted it on YouTube, so at least you’ll be a warning to others.
Scorpio: You find new joy in your work with a package in the mail. Inside it is a bright, new attitude and a remote controlled farting machine; both will make the days pass faster.
Sagittarius: When confronted with open doors, you usually pick a locked, two-story window. Put away the ladder and choose an easy opportunity; there’s no banana peel waiting across the threshold.
Capricorn: This week you’ll make a discovery that will either change the world or destroy it; just depends on how much cheese you use. Go for the good stuff. If it explodes, the entire continent will be one tasty fondue pot.
Aquarius: You say you don’t want to rock the boat, but you’re causing more waves than a belly dancer in a life raft. If folks shimmy into a life preserver when you walk by, take the hint and drop the drama.
Pisces: The person that said “having isn’t as good as wanting” never stumbled across an unbelievable clearance sale on payday. Snap up those bargains; a great deal can keep you warm at night, especially if it’s battery-powered.
Aries: No matter where you go, there you are. Unless your GPS needs updating, in which case you’re located two miles away near a creek or a stoplight. Recalculate and go find yourself.
Taurus: The brightest star can’t compare with the shining example you’ve become. Breaking open a thousand glow sticks and painting yourself was artistic, but getting to sleep will be a challenge for a while.
Gemini: There’s nothing but blue sky ahead of you, which is unsettling because you’re sure you were driving a car just a few minutes ago. Looks like you’ve discovered the Weasleys’ magic ride; remember to stay securely fastened until you land.
Cancer: All’s fair in love and war, but the PTA is a free-for-all. No one would blame you if you snuck laxatives in Ms. Perfect’s brownie mix for the big bake sale. In fact, it would clear the air in more ways than one.
Leo: You can take advice from a rabbit or a turtle this week, but the big question is: when did you start hearing animal voices in your head? Listen to the concerned wombat and get your medication levels checked.
Virgo: Everyone needs a little help now and again. You just didn’t expect it from such an unlikely source. Who knew Tinder could be used to check your kale smoothie recipe? Next time, ask that fit dude if he has any great ideas about sausage stuffing.
Libra: You’re not sure whether the light in that tunnel is an oncoming train or a speedy Road Runner with a flashlight strapped to his helmet. Either way, get out of there, because you’re clearly outwitted.
Scorpio: They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but sometimes that one step is a journey by itself. Aren’t you glad you moved the fridge into the living room next to your recliner?
Sagittarius: The best things in life are free, like the feeling of knowing your teenager is searching desperately for their phone, and you’re sitting on it. The buzzing from all those texts is starting to tickle your butt, though.
Capricorn: Wednesday is an excellent day to get what you want, so boldly stride into that building and demand extra sprinkles on your half-mocha soy caramel sea salt eggplant cappuccino. You’ve earned it.
Aquarius: You realize that you’ve been on Facebook for 47 hours and you can’t remember the last time you saw a face or a book. Go outside and see if you can hold an actual conversation.
Pisces: Lock yourself in a quiet room. Hear the sounds of nature outside your window. Listen to the birds. There, you’ve finally got that Adele song out of your head. Oops, spoke too soon. Rats.