You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2016.

Aries: The old year had much to teach you, but you sat in the back and shot spitballs at the chalkboard. Sit up straight and pay attention to 2016, and not just because it roars in with a whip, a chair and pop quizzes.

Taurus: To thine own self be true, but around everyone else, feel free to fake it. If you can’t be charming offer a reasonable facsimile until a good mood smacks you in the forehead again.

Gemini: You’re on a new adventure, so make sure you’ve packed healing potions, med packs and a few extra lives plus any cheat codes you can find. Daily life can make D&D or HALO look like a walk in the nerd park.

Cancer: If someone says your best is not enough, walk right up to them, pull out your inner Brando and yell “STELLA!” That way, they’ll be temporarily deaf while you tell them what you really think of their opinion. Also, update your resume.

Leo: Keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars. You won’t be able to grab them, but it’s a terrific stretch for your back. Sometimes ambition is better than yoga.

Virgo: You know all the wrong answers to all the right questions. It won’t get you very far in life but you’ll be more fun to be around. Everyone needs a drunken ferret wrangler’s number in their phone.

Libra: You can follow your heart or your head, both have decent GPS. Just don’t follow directions from anything lower down; that doesn’t follow a map to success, just a cheap road trip to WhoopeeTown and a side road to Penicillin.

Scorpio: Today may seem a mess, but don’t worry, It’s nothing that a trained wombat, a box of gluten-free pancake mix and two tickets to Bermuda can’t fix.

Sagittarius: This Tuesday is a shiny new hoverboard; it looks fun, but it will burst into flames when you least expect it. Sometimes falling off is the best solution, even if it does end up on YouTube.

Capricorn: Life is a series of beautiful accidents and a few really ugly coincidences. Know which is which before you strap on those beer goggles so you can wake up without screaming.

Aquarius: If you think out of the box, remember to save the receipt. You’ll need it when your latest scheme for wealth, power and world domination hits the fan.

Pisces: There’s nothing wrong with hiding under a rock. Sometimes you meet some very cool lizards there. You should squirm out every now and again for some sunshine, too, if for no other reason than to restock the tequila shelf for you and your new scaly friends.

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