Aries: Tuesday is a great day for new adventures, such as a bike trip, hike to a waterfall or cleaning out the fridge to see what’s making that growling noise when the light goes off. Hint: it’s the seven-month-old tuna salad.

Taurus: You think you’re headed for a home run, but you haven’t even left the dugout. Work on your moves. If that doesn’t fly, work on your begging and you just might make it to second base.

Gemini: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it so deliver that bad news on Friday with finger guns, tongue clicks and an occasional eye twitch. The other person will be too confused to get angry.

Cancer: Your days will be merry and bright only if you get your calendar drunk and hold it next to a Yule log. Don’t worry, the new year looks much better, especially since you can’t see it clearly due to that hangover.

Leo:  You can do great things when you set your mind to it, but your half-assed projects are pretty cool, too. Blow someone’s mind this week by doing something impossible while watching an infomercial and texting the iTunes terms and conditions.

Virgo: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, but that’s only because you haven’t found someone really hard to rub up against. Find your whetstone and make some friction.

Libra: If your sweetie says they’re never gonna give you up and never gonna let you down, look closely. You may be dating a YouTube video. At least you have someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve, and you might even get a quick Rickroll in the hay.

Scorpio: Not all answers can be revealed; some are hidden better than Charlie Sheen’s common sense. Look for the truths wearing underwear, not just a tube top and a smile.

Sagittarius: Sometimes life throws tiny purple hippos at your head and never tells you why. Don’t pout and ask “Why me?” Collect those little darlings and start a Purple Hippo Rescue Ranch. You don’t need the universe’s permission to do good.

Capricorn: There’s beauty in a flower, unless it’s being shoved up your nose at 5 a.m. by a toddler. You really need to put a lock on the bedroom door before you wake up and sneeze Apple Jacks.

Aquarius: Whenever you feel truly alone, know this truth: if you’ve gone outside the house today, you’re probably in at least five selfies of other people. Thanks to Instagram, you’re more popular than you realize.

Pisces: You’re so experienced at hanging in there, baby, you can tell the kitty in the poster to take a vacation. You got this.

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