Aries: All the world’s a stage, and you’re the one with a mop. Don’t worry that you’re missing the spotlight, just think of all the dirt you can collect on those wannabe divas.

Taurus: Wanting to be secure is a sane choice, but the tinfoil hat is not. Relax, the bogeyman has problems of his own, he has no time to fulfill your paranoid fantasies.

Gemini: You have a 1000-watt smile and a 5-watt brain this week. Don’t let your mouth get you in over your head, let those grey cells enjoy a bit of rest. Just don’t kill them off with the 2-for-1 margarita night.

Cancer: It’s great to be compassionate, but no matter what the posters say, you can’t always change the world overnight. Focus on what you can change, such as your underwear or the outcome of The Voice.

Leo: You want to be Andy Griffith, but your day ends up in a Barney Fife tizzy. Learn to laugh at yourself or you’ll develop a nervous twitch and delusions of backwoods grandeur.

Virgo: Scratch off that cosmic ticket, because you won this week’s Wheel of Luck! Redeem your luck at a participating Karmic station and be glad you didn’t win the Wheel of Fish.

Libra:Follow through on those instincts this Wednesday. You have business savvy and style to spare, so no matter what happens, your butt is covered. And covered beautifully, we might add.

Scorpio: Your ship has come in, and it’s a pirate’s dream. Shake that ill-gotten booty and flash your treasure chest for a chance to walk someone else’s plank.

Sagittarius: Thursday makes you crabbier than a Yeti after a bikini wax. Take a deep breath and rip off the big, hairy deal bothering you. The truth may sting, but you’ll walk normally in a few days.

Capricorn: Some people turn their lives into masterpieces, but yours has become a low-budget B movie. Work on your casting and whip up some special effects. With a little effort, you could be the next Sharknado.

Aquarius: Watch your step; you’re not on the yellow brick road, you’ve just wandered into a path filled with yellow snow. Next time, wear your glasses and you won’t mistake a giant poodle for the mayor of Oz.

Pisces: Your ideas have dribbled through for a while, but now you’ve struck a gusher. Remember that not everyone is riding the wild imagination truck with you, so be nice and don’t turn the fire hose on them. You can let them pet the Dalmatian, though.

 

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