Aries: You were the talk of Thanksgiving dinner when you decided to use up all the uneaten Halloween candy corn by mixing it in the stuffing. In the future, your family will refer to it as “the time we all had our stomachs pumped together.”

Taurus: Black Friday is tough when you sober up and discover that instead of a “Frozen” Barbie from Toys R Us, you bought a knockoff Barbie with real stripper pole action from Spencer’s. At least you’ll have a present under the tree.

Gemini: When your relatives get on your nerves, breathe and remember the small blessings of the holiday. Also, the fact that the cat has probably rubbed its butt on everyone’s pillows.

Cancer: You get an urgent text while putting up the decorations this weekend and forget about the air hose blowing up the inflatable figures. Instead of a Grinch holding gifts, you end up with Shrek and he’s really happy to see you. Deflate and try again before the calls pour in from the neighbors.

Leo: You’re suddenly feeling a tremendous amount of holiday spirit. Could be gratitude for all you have, or it could be that Grandma used two whole bottles of liquor in the rum cake. Either way, you’re glowing.

Virgo: Don’t panic when you realize you accidentally donated all the Christmas decorations to Goodwill this summer, just declare that you’re celebrating Festivus instead. If you’re going to hear everyone complaining, might as well make a holiday of it.

Libra: Give thanks for all the good things in life on Thursday, such as not having to see Kim Kardashian’s naked butt all over television and your computer monitor this year. Thanks, 2015!

Scorpio: Your plan to escape dish duty after the big meal and lose yourself in football is almost successful until your uncle Melvin sits down. After he farts the National Anthem, scraping plates doesn’t sound so bad.

Sagittarius: All’s fair in love and war, and Black Friday is a bit of both. Remember, using your taser is bad form unless someone steals a TV from your cart. In that case, zap away.

Capricorn: No one knows you hid the extra pumpkin pie under your bed until your ferret rushes out and starts vomiting all over the family card game, forcing all your relatives to leave. Good ferret.

Aquarius: Feeling lonely this weekend? You’re never alone on the Internet. Snarf down some Chinese food while you argue with people about Donald Trump on Periscope and you’ll have the full Turkey Day experience.

Pisces: When someone yells about boycotting a Friday shopping trip, agree with them and celebrate the holiday as you prefer: chasing them around with bottle rockets leftover from July 4th. That’s so much more satisfying than a great deal on a tablet.

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