You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2015.

Aries: Tuesday is a great day for new adventures, such as a bike trip, hike to a waterfall or cleaning out the fridge to see what’s making that growling noise when the light goes off. Hint: it’s the seven-month-old tuna salad.

Taurus: You think you’re headed for a home run, but you haven’t even left the dugout. Work on your moves. If that doesn’t fly, work on your begging and you just might make it to second base.

Gemini: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it so deliver that bad news on Friday with finger guns, tongue clicks and an occasional eye twitch. The other person will be too confused to get angry.

Cancer: Your days will be merry and bright only if you get your calendar drunk and hold it next to a Yule log. Don’t worry, the new year looks much better, especially since you can’t see it clearly due to that hangover.

Leo:  You can do great things when you set your mind to it, but your half-assed projects are pretty cool, too. Blow someone’s mind this week by doing something impossible while watching an infomercial and texting the iTunes terms and conditions.

Virgo: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, but that’s only because you haven’t found someone really hard to rub up against. Find your whetstone and make some friction.

Libra: If your sweetie says they’re never gonna give you up and never gonna let you down, look closely. You may be dating a YouTube video. At least you have someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve, and you might even get a quick Rickroll in the hay.

Scorpio: Not all answers can be revealed; some are hidden better than Charlie Sheen’s common sense. Look for the truths wearing underwear, not just a tube top and a smile.

Sagittarius: Sometimes life throws tiny purple hippos at your head and never tells you why. Don’t pout and ask “Why me?” Collect those little darlings and start a Purple Hippo Rescue Ranch. You don’t need the universe’s permission to do good.

Capricorn: There’s beauty in a flower, unless it’s being shoved up your nose at 5 a.m. by a toddler. You really need to put a lock on the bedroom door before you wake up and sneeze Apple Jacks.

Aquarius: Whenever you feel truly alone, know this truth: if you’ve gone outside the house today, you’re probably in at least five selfies of other people. Thanks to Instagram, you’re more popular than you realize.

Pisces: You’re so experienced at hanging in there, baby, you can tell the kitty in the poster to take a vacation. You got this.

Aries: All the world’s a stage, and you’re the one with a mop. Don’t worry that you’re missing the spotlight, just think of all the dirt you can collect on those wannabe divas.

Taurus: Wanting to be secure is a sane choice, but the tinfoil hat is not. Relax, the bogeyman has problems of his own, he has no time to fulfill your paranoid fantasies.

Gemini: You have a 1000-watt smile and a 5-watt brain this week. Don’t let your mouth get you in over your head, let those grey cells enjoy a bit of rest. Just don’t kill them off with the 2-for-1 margarita night.

Cancer: It’s great to be compassionate, but no matter what the posters say, you can’t always change the world overnight. Focus on what you can change, such as your underwear or the outcome of The Voice.

Leo: You want to be Andy Griffith, but your day ends up in a Barney Fife tizzy. Learn to laugh at yourself or you’ll develop a nervous twitch and delusions of backwoods grandeur.

Virgo: Scratch off that cosmic ticket, because you won this week’s Wheel of Luck! Redeem your luck at a participating Karmic station and be glad you didn’t win the Wheel of Fish.

Libra:Follow through on those instincts this Wednesday. You have business savvy and style to spare, so no matter what happens, your butt is covered. And covered beautifully, we might add.

Scorpio: Your ship has come in, and it’s a pirate’s dream. Shake that ill-gotten booty and flash your treasure chest for a chance to walk someone else’s plank.

Sagittarius: Thursday makes you crabbier than a Yeti after a bikini wax. Take a deep breath and rip off the big, hairy deal bothering you. The truth may sting, but you’ll walk normally in a few days.

Capricorn: Some people turn their lives into masterpieces, but yours has become a low-budget B movie. Work on your casting and whip up some special effects. With a little effort, you could be the next Sharknado.

Aquarius: Watch your step; you’re not on the yellow brick road, you’ve just wandered into a path filled with yellow snow. Next time, wear your glasses and you won’t mistake a giant poodle for the mayor of Oz.

Pisces: Your ideas have dribbled through for a while, but now you’ve struck a gusher. Remember that not everyone is riding the wild imagination truck with you, so be nice and don’t turn the fire hose on them. You can let them pet the Dalmatian, though.

 

Aries: Some days you’re the star of your own show, other days you’re just a face in the ensemble. Square up those Spanx, kiddo, because you finally get your close-up on Friday. Play your cards right, and you won’t get bumped off for a younger, hipper character.

Taurus: Love makes the world go round, but passion causes it to quiver on its axis. Find what makes you whirl, be it man, woman or sexy pizza rat. Just don’t choose Pokemon cards again, your parents are embarrassed enough as it is.

Gemini: Life is for the living, which is handy, because zombies really don’t care. Go out and show off those curves in a glitter tube top and bike shorts. The undead can’t make fun of you, they’re all staring at their phones.

Cancer: You know what you want, it’s time to go and get it. Don’t worry, the universe knows how you are and is sending you a coupon for it. Destiny is great, but a good deal is even better.

Leo: Be cool when your dreams come true this week, unless it’s the one about Benedict Cumberbatch and the jar of Nutella. In that case, feel free to squeal out loud. Everyone will understand.

Virgo: No matter how hard you try, you can’t run like the wind. The breeze has no feet. Grab a jet pack and chase the wind on its own turf, just watch out for tornadoes and the occasional bird strike.

Libra: Your boss has a Woody for efficiency, but that’s okay, because filing gives you a great Buzz. Maybe you two should meet after hours and discuss your Toy Story addiction while no one else is around.

Scorpio: It’s good that your job keeps you on your toes, even if it does make you walk funny. At least when you step in dog poop, it’s easier to clean off your shoe.

Sagittarius: Forget about wanting people’s respect; what you really need is their cold, hard cash. They can laugh all they want at your failures, as long as they pay to see them. Just wave at the crowds when you pass by in your Cadillac, right before you crash it into a Wienermobile.

Capricorn: When life kicks you in the butt, turn around and demand “Who made you the boss of me?” After it bashes you in the face a few times, buy it a beer and steal its wallet while it isn’t looking.

Aquarius: Be brave, be smart, be bold, and you’ll end up the most boring person at the Christmas party. Grab that lampshade and give yourself something to regret on Instagram tomorrow.

Pisces: Even when things are going your way, they take Apple Maps to get there. Hang on tight, unless you have to dodge traffic.

Aries: You were the talk of Thanksgiving dinner when you decided to use up all the uneaten Halloween candy corn by mixing it in the stuffing. In the future, your family will refer to it as “the time we all had our stomachs pumped together.”

Taurus: Black Friday is tough when you sober up and discover that instead of a “Frozen” Barbie from Toys R Us, you bought a knockoff Barbie with real stripper pole action from Spencer’s. At least you’ll have a present under the tree.

Gemini: When your relatives get on your nerves, breathe and remember the small blessings of the holiday. Also, the fact that the cat has probably rubbed its butt on everyone’s pillows.

Cancer: You get an urgent text while putting up the decorations this weekend and forget about the air hose blowing up the inflatable figures. Instead of a Grinch holding gifts, you end up with Shrek and he’s really happy to see you. Deflate and try again before the calls pour in from the neighbors.

Leo: You’re suddenly feeling a tremendous amount of holiday spirit. Could be gratitude for all you have, or it could be that Grandma used two whole bottles of liquor in the rum cake. Either way, you’re glowing.

Virgo: Don’t panic when you realize you accidentally donated all the Christmas decorations to Goodwill this summer, just declare that you’re celebrating Festivus instead. If you’re going to hear everyone complaining, might as well make a holiday of it.

Libra: Give thanks for all the good things in life on Thursday, such as not having to see Kim Kardashian’s naked butt all over television and your computer monitor this year. Thanks, 2015!

Scorpio: Your plan to escape dish duty after the big meal and lose yourself in football is almost successful until your uncle Melvin sits down. After he farts the National Anthem, scraping plates doesn’t sound so bad.

Sagittarius: All’s fair in love and war, and Black Friday is a bit of both. Remember, using your taser is bad form unless someone steals a TV from your cart. In that case, zap away.

Capricorn: No one knows you hid the extra pumpkin pie under your bed until your ferret rushes out and starts vomiting all over the family card game, forcing all your relatives to leave. Good ferret.

Aquarius: Feeling lonely this weekend? You’re never alone on the Internet. Snarf down some Chinese food while you argue with people about Donald Trump on Periscope and you’ll have the full Turkey Day experience.

Pisces: When someone yells about boycotting a Friday shopping trip, agree with them and celebrate the holiday as you prefer: chasing them around with bottle rockets leftover from July 4th. That’s so much more satisfying than a great deal on a tablet.

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