Aries: You think you’re bad, but you’re not a wolf in sheep’s clothing. If anything, you’re a ferret dressed like a hedgehog: rather prickly and able to squirm out of any situation. At least that comes in handy during political debates at the dinner table.

Taurus: Ask not for whom the bell tolls, because you’re the one who set the alarm on your phone while you were drunk last night. It’s your own fault if you wake up to that Nickelback ringtone.

Gemini: Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life, mainly because no one’s going to pay you to dress up your hamsters and take selfies all day. Maybe you should try to love accounting or customer service instead.

Cancer: Sometimes the answer to your deepest, darkest question isn’t ‘yes’ or ‘no’, it’s “What? Get away from me! Who are you? Help, police!” Probably best to not ask those things during the PTA meeting.

Leo: In a sea of laughter you’re stuck on an isthmus of pain. Time to break out the life raft and float to happier waters before you turn into a real-life frowny face emoji.

Virgo: Tuesday is like a snowglobe: it looks so pretty until someone shakes it too hard and it springs a leak. Next time, be more concerned about who handles your globes.

Libra: Whatever your problem is, you can lick it. Unless your problem is a frog with psychedelic oils on its skin. If that happens, you won’t worry about the frog or the big presentation you have at 3 pm with the new client.

Scorpio: Nothing expresses your love like a plate of barbecue, a six-pack of beer and the promise that you’ll leave them alone for a few hours. They get fed, and you can finally catch up on ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ Everyone wins.

Sagittarius: Don’t worry about dieting, you look fabulous. It’s the holiday season so if your butt gets out of control from pumpkin pie and shortbread cookies, you can slip on a big green sweater and save money on a Christmas tree.

Capricorn: Your million-dollar idea goes bust after you discover that a website about life hacks doesn’t actually involve a machete. Don’t worry, you’ll come up with another scheme as soon as you make bail.

Aquarius: The best you can be is inside, but it’s buried really deep and the shrink-wrap is hard to peel off. For now, just be who you are until you get a metal detector and some longer thumbnails.

Pisces: Sometimes your creativity is a trickle, other times it’s a fire hose. Right now it’s one of those boy-peeing-in-a-fountain water features, so at least it’s useful and entertaining at the same time.

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