You are currently browsing the monthly archive for November 2015.

Aries: No man is an island, but sometimes you can be a real peninsula. Work on your social skills before your co-workers decide to cut you off and set you adrift.

Taurus: Quit worrying about Black Friday and focus your concerns on Brown Wednesday. Maybe you should check the expiration dates in your fridge a little more often.

Gemini: It’s the little things in life that matter, like the Legos you find with your bare feet at three a.m. or the lizard your kids set loose in Grandma’s suitcase. Make a decision now to drink their inheritance away in Vegas.

Cancer: Just your luck: you decide to meet the train of despair head-on, and you smash face first into one of those Wile E. Coyote tunnel paintings. Guess you’ll just have to endure a good day.

Leo: Knowledge is power, and you rule the land on Thursday because you’re the only one who knows the wi-fi password. If your subjects get mouthy, shut off the router for a few hours, then sit back and smile.

Virgo: Everyone loves a parade, except when it’s a freaky walk of shame out of your bedroom on Sunday morning. Maybe your idea of a hot date should aim higher than when the circus is in town.

Libra: You know it all, but somewhere there’s an 11-year-old kid who can think circles around you. Inject a little humility in your attitude before she slaps you down on Twitter.

Scorpio: Life is like a buffet: the fish sticks are soggy and you have no idea how long that pie has been there. But hey, sometimes the reward is worth the risk. Just steer clear of the pork soufflé.

Sagittarius: A wise man once said “Dude, that is messed up.” Sure, he may have been talking about the latest episode of Empire rather than your life, but you get the message.

Capricorn: Let love lift you higher and carry you on silver, tinkly wings, unless it gets a leg cramp and drops your butt by the Sunglass Hut. In that case, just take the escalator. It’s safer.

Aquarius:  Happiness is a warm puppy; relief is getting that puppy on a leash and out the door before something even warmer comes out. Compromise and aim for satisfaction this weekend, when you make the kids do all the running.

Pisces: You can march to your own drum, but you’ve always been more of a guitar shredder. Grab your axe and lay down some wicked rhythms. The world will nod its head in time with your tune.

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Aries: Quit looking for a cloud with a silver lining, those are impossible to cash in. Instead, look for a cloud with a warm, fleece lining and a built-in monitor with a free year of Netflix. That’s the cloud with rewards.

Taurus: No one expects great things from you, they’re just hoping today isn’t the day they have to bail you out of jail for solicitation of a farm tractor. Surprise your family by doing something productive and respectable, like proposing to that tractor.

Gemini: For some, it’s raining cats and dogs, but for you, it’s raining opportunities and unicorn farts. That’s good, because unicorn farts just bounce off your raincoat as rainbows and don’t sink their claws into your face like wet cats do.

Cancer: You can take a good, long, hard look at yourself, but then you’ll just get excited over that throbbing ego. Take a cold shower before you consider self-reflection, because deep, fast thinking gets you all worked up.

Leo: Today is all about you, but some people didn’t get the memo. Sign them up for your daily e-newsletter blast detailing your awesomeness and perhaps they will get the hint.

Virgo: You’re feeling more heat than a Starbucks holiday red cup. Go without your coffee for a couple of days, and people will change their tune. They won’t say “Merry Christmas,” but they will be thanking any and all deities once you get caffeine back in your system.

Libra: You’ll become an Internet sensation when you dress like Lady Gaga, dance like Drake and sing like Susan Boyle. You’ll be the toast of YouTube, but you’ll still have to work at Taco Bell to pay your rent.

Scorpio: Date night goes horribly wrong when your sweetie wants to be spanked, and you send a note home to the parents because you don’t believe in corporal punishment. Hope you like the couch, because you’ll be spending a lot of detention time there.

Sagittarius: Someone is ready for their close-up, but you have to tell them they have a face for radio and a vocabulary best suited to Morse Code, which means they’re perfect for the latest TLC Channel reality fiasco.

Capricorn: Watch out for Wednesday. It’s been stealing your cigarettes and talking trash behind your back to Thursday. You’ll be in good hands with Friday, even if it does get a bit grabby.

Aquarius: Sometimes life shines so bright, you need sunglasses to get out of bed. Other times, it’s a dim bulb that doesn’t clue you in to the loose Legos all over the floor.  Sweep away those obstacles while you can see and you’ll be ready to snuggle down in the dark.

Pisces: Your career is like a trained monkey: it usually does what it’s told, but occasionally poop will fly at your head. Learn to duck and keep some baggies on hand.

Aries: You think you’re bad, but you’re not a wolf in sheep’s clothing. If anything, you’re a ferret dressed like a hedgehog: rather prickly and able to squirm out of any situation. At least that comes in handy during political debates at the dinner table.

Taurus: Ask not for whom the bell tolls, because you’re the one who set the alarm on your phone while you were drunk last night. It’s your own fault if you wake up to that Nickelback ringtone.

Gemini: Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life, mainly because no one’s going to pay you to dress up your hamsters and take selfies all day. Maybe you should try to love accounting or customer service instead.

Cancer: Sometimes the answer to your deepest, darkest question isn’t ‘yes’ or ‘no’, it’s “What? Get away from me! Who are you? Help, police!” Probably best to not ask those things during the PTA meeting.

Leo: In a sea of laughter you’re stuck on an isthmus of pain. Time to break out the life raft and float to happier waters before you turn into a real-life frowny face emoji.

Virgo: Tuesday is like a snowglobe: it looks so pretty until someone shakes it too hard and it springs a leak. Next time, be more concerned about who handles your globes.

Libra: Whatever your problem is, you can lick it. Unless your problem is a frog with psychedelic oils on its skin. If that happens, you won’t worry about the frog or the big presentation you have at 3 pm with the new client.

Scorpio: Nothing expresses your love like a plate of barbecue, a six-pack of beer and the promise that you’ll leave them alone for a few hours. They get fed, and you can finally catch up on ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ Everyone wins.

Sagittarius: Don’t worry about dieting, you look fabulous. It’s the holiday season so if your butt gets out of control from pumpkin pie and shortbread cookies, you can slip on a big green sweater and save money on a Christmas tree.

Capricorn: Your million-dollar idea goes bust after you discover that a website about life hacks doesn’t actually involve a machete. Don’t worry, you’ll come up with another scheme as soon as you make bail.

Aquarius: The best you can be is inside, but it’s buried really deep and the shrink-wrap is hard to peel off. For now, just be who you are until you get a metal detector and some longer thumbnails.

Pisces: Sometimes your creativity is a trickle, other times it’s a fire hose. Right now it’s one of those boy-peeing-in-a-fountain water features, so at least it’s useful and entertaining at the same time.

Aries: Things are going your way on Thursday, but don’t expect a limo. The most you’ll get for that hitchhiking thumb is a clown car unless you hike up those khakis and show some skin.

Taurus: Beauty surrounds you, but it’s not there to inspire, it just wants to shake you down for your lunch money. Hand it over before beauty smacks you right in the eye of the beholder.

Gemini: It’s fine to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, as long as you don’t step in dog poop. Otherwise, someone will be really pissed when they open their closet door tomorrow.

Cancer: There’s no accounting for taste, so you’re not expected to pay those fines from the fashion police. Feel free to spend that cash on yourself as long as you don’t buy more denim pantsuits or platform flip-flops.

Leo: Slow and steady may win the race, but it never impresses the chicks. Strut your fast and flashy self; all those ooohs and aaaaahs will make you feel more like a winner than any goofy trophy or horseshoe of roses.

Virgo: Quit whining about taking two steps back for every step forward. At least you’re in the right game. You could be like that poor sap to your left, who’s on a fast downward spiral in Chutes and Ladders.

Libra: You have a big day on Monday, so put your best foot forward in a strappy sandal with some toe glitter and you’ll win the day. Your worst foot should be kept in a ratty old tennis shoe. Sure, you’ll walk funny but you’ll feel fabulous.

Scorpio: Be careful when you do unto others as you want them to do unto you. Not everyone likes those leopard print handcuffs and leather dickeys. Whip out the plain missionary good deeds for the office and save those kinky untos for Saturday night.

Sagittarius: Some days you’re the mouse, other days you’re the cheese. Either way, you’re not getting out of the maze so you go ahead and enjoy the peace and quiet.

Capricorn: You have a problem that’s harder to shake than a dryer sheet down the leg of your corduroy pants. You can strip down the situation and take a good look, but make sure your office door is closed first.

Aquarius: You can be part of the solution or part of the problem, but life’s far more entertaining if you’re part of the audience watching it all with a smirk and a bowl of popcorn.

Pisces: Everyone’s moving full steam ahead and you can’t even get a puff of smoke out of your big toe. Relax and work at your own pace; at least you won’t be sweaty when you cross the finish line.