Aries: You’re between a rock and a hard place. The seating isn’t that comfy, but the view is tremendous. Take a deep breath and enjoy the scenery before you shimmy through the cracks to escape.

Taurus: Not everyone has your incredible looks, sparkling wit and ability for self-delusion. Take pity on the little people and regale them with your supposed awesomeness. If they fall asleep during your chat, just wake them up with an elbow to the ribs.

Gemini: The road less traveled is peaceful, but there are no decent restaurants where you can buy pie. Follow the beaten path for a good meal, and save the wild roaming until you’re ready to live on granola bars and turkey jerky.

Cancer: You have the opportunity to make someone’s day. Do it with jazz hands and fabulousness instead of straight-on, Clint Eastwood style. If you can manage Eastwood jazz hands, give that a try, too.

Leo: Life is a garden, so stop and smell the flowers instead of kicking dirt over the zinnias. Not everything can come up roses but the wild blooms are just as sweet, as long as you don’t eat them.

Virgo: On Tuesday you’ll see a man about a ferret. Make him your friend, because the ferret has better health insurance and 401K than you do, thanks to his cute YouTube channel.

Libra: You want to shine brightly into the world, but somehow you just can’t switch it on. Check your batteries; you may have them installed backward or your contacts could be rusty. Have someone tug on your rear coil and see if that does the trick.

Scorpio: The right words come at the wrong time on Friday, so instead of impressing that hottie, you’ll probably just creep them out. Next time, write your pick-up lines before you order tequila.

Sagittarius: In every life, a little rain must fall. Your problem isn’t a gentle shower, though, it’s a torrential downpour of frogs and blue ice from airplanes. Hide inside for a few days until the world calms down.

Capricorn: Never give up, never surrender! Unless, of course, giving up means more money in your paycheck. It’s fine to have lofty goals but it’s even better to keep the lights on and the fridge going.

Aquarius: Don’t worry, you couldn’t explain yourself if you tried. Just thank the acrobats and the traveling salesman for a great night and buy a new inflatable pool for the neighbors. They’ll never get the chicken feathers and glitter out of the old one.

Pisces: Just when you get close to the finish line, someone moves the tape. You can keep running, or get a staple gun and make sure that sucker stays in place while you win.

Advertisements