Aries: No good deed goes unpunished, unless you’re into that. Lace up into those latex undies while Karma grabs the paddle. Add some fuzzy handcuffs, and you might help little old ladies across the street more often.

Taurus: Your answer is in the stars, but the night sky is a notoriously bad speller. Run any celestial messages through your phone’s Autocorrect. It may not get it right, but it will be far more entertaining.

Gemini: You have a quiet, analytical side, although it’s usually hidden under all the bells, horns and occasional foul-mouthed cockatoo. Dial down the circus and focus on yourself. Turns out you’re more of a bearded lady than a spastic clown.

Cancer: Good things come in small packages, but great things accompany an unlimited Gold card. Stick your hand in your neighbor’s pocket and see what you can score. You could end up with quite a handful.

Leo: Your dreams aren’t broken, they’re just bent out of shape. Iron out those creases and tell those elephant-sized doubts to go away and sit on someone else’s ambition.

Virgo: There’s nothing you can’t fix with bacon, vodka or duct tape. Pack all three for an upcoming weekend. It will end up as something you’ll never forget or two days you’ll never remember.

Libra: Knowing yourself is good, but sometimes even your mind needs a break from you. Put a little mystery in your relationship and avoid the navel-gazing inner journeys for a few days.

Scorpio: You’re a pair of draggy shoes and Monday is shag carpeting; somewhere there’s going to be sparks. If you’re going to get zorched, might as well sneak up on your boss at the same time and share the static.

Sagittarius: Every dog has his day and each wolf has his night, but you’re a coyote-poodle hybrid searching for the perfect mid-afternoon. Get ready, because Thursday gives you a chance to howl at the mailman from the comfort of the couch.

Capricorn: Someone thinks you’re chicken, but you know the henhouse better than they ever could. Strut around like the cock of the walk you are, and tell them to cluck off.

Aquarius: You know all the right moves, but you’re lost in the wrong tune. Drop the depressing 1980s soundtrack and belt out some Taylor Swift. It won’t make you dance any better, but it will embarrass your kids and that’s almost as good.

Pisces: Some days you’re a Cheerio floating in the milk, and other days you’re stuck to the side of the bowl. Life isn’t perfect, but at least you’re not tangled in the dog’s fur and waiting for a toddler to stuff you up his nose.