You are currently browsing the monthly archive for October 2015.
Aries: Don’t complain about the breeze between your knees if you’re wearing a kilt in a wind tunnel. Some things you bring on yourself, like chapped butt cheeks.
Taurus: It’s not easy admitting you’re wrong, but it’s even more difficult to give a TED talk on the physics of blindfolded pole dancing. If you’re limber and smart enough, great. If not, just hope your pasties stay in place.
Gemini: Karma isn’t just slipping you a goody bag of opportunities, it’s dragging a Santa-sized sack to your door. Whatever you had to kiss to get there, it was worth it.
Cancer: You can make a statement without saying a word, and every eye will have a tear. Maybe next time you’ll rely on your soulful gaze instead of the five-alarm cabbage chili you had at lunch.
Leo: When the prize is at the bottom of the cereal box, you just turn it upside down and open it up. On Wednesday, quit flipping your Count Chocula and eat the whole box first, like a normal person. The sugar rush is part of the fun.
Virgo: If you knew Victoria’s secret, you would tell it. You’re in a chatty mood, so warn people upfront to not share military intelligence or the color of their underwear with you unless they want it on Instagram.
Libra: Work has been awkward since the incident with the canned spaghetti and the photocopier. Make amends by replenishing the office’s paper towel stash and promising to never interrupt the boss’ three-way in the supply room again.
Scorpio: Life is a parade, and you’re stuck with a broom, walking behind the horses. Things seem pretty crappy right now, but look at the bright side: you can always make some extra cash selling fertilizer.
Sagittarius: A single moment on Thursday leaves you breathless and light-headed. A toddler jumping from the couch onto your chest will do that. Maybe you should find a different place to practice your yoga.
Capricorn: Autumn leaves are falling from the trees, and the bare limbs bring some clarity to the neighborhood. Either invest in some drapes for your windows, or declare your place as a haunted house and charge everyone five bucks for the show.
Aquarius: You know the answer before someone asks the question, and now you’re the go-to guru for sage wisdom. That’s good, because “what kind of dress should you put on a monkey for a first date” isn’t something Google is equipped to handle.
Pisces: You have moments of serene inner peace, punctuated by long stretches of seizing panic. You can decide to not sweat the small stuff or ask the doctor to up your meds. Either way, life is more pleasant.
Aries: You’re between a rock and a hard place. The seating isn’t that comfy, but the view is tremendous. Take a deep breath and enjoy the scenery before you shimmy through the cracks to escape.
Taurus: Not everyone has your incredible looks, sparkling wit and ability for self-delusion. Take pity on the little people and regale them with your supposed awesomeness. If they fall asleep during your chat, just wake them up with an elbow to the ribs.
Gemini: The road less traveled is peaceful, but there are no decent restaurants where you can buy pie. Follow the beaten path for a good meal, and save the wild roaming until you’re ready to live on granola bars and turkey jerky.
Cancer: You have the opportunity to make someone’s day. Do it with jazz hands and fabulousness instead of straight-on, Clint Eastwood style. If you can manage Eastwood jazz hands, give that a try, too.
Leo: Life is a garden, so stop and smell the flowers instead of kicking dirt over the zinnias. Not everything can come up roses but the wild blooms are just as sweet, as long as you don’t eat them.
Virgo: On Tuesday you’ll see a man about a ferret. Make him your friend, because the ferret has better health insurance and 401K than you do, thanks to his cute YouTube channel.
Libra: You want to shine brightly into the world, but somehow you just can’t switch it on. Check your batteries; you may have them installed backward or your contacts could be rusty. Have someone tug on your rear coil and see if that does the trick.
Scorpio: The right words come at the wrong time on Friday, so instead of impressing that hottie, you’ll probably just creep them out. Next time, write your pick-up lines before you order tequila.
Sagittarius: In every life, a little rain must fall. Your problem isn’t a gentle shower, though, it’s a torrential downpour of frogs and blue ice from airplanes. Hide inside for a few days until the world calms down.
Capricorn: Never give up, never surrender! Unless, of course, giving up means more money in your paycheck. It’s fine to have lofty goals but it’s even better to keep the lights on and the fridge going.
Aquarius: Don’t worry, you couldn’t explain yourself if you tried. Just thank the acrobats and the traveling salesman for a great night and buy a new inflatable pool for the neighbors. They’ll never get the chicken feathers and glitter out of the old one.
Pisces: Just when you get close to the finish line, someone moves the tape. You can keep running, or get a staple gun and make sure that sucker stays in place while you win.
Aries: No good deed goes unpunished, unless you’re into that. Lace up into those latex undies while Karma grabs the paddle. Add some fuzzy handcuffs, and you might help little old ladies across the street more often.
Taurus: Your answer is in the stars, but the night sky is a notoriously bad speller. Run any celestial messages through your phone’s Autocorrect. It may not get it right, but it will be far more entertaining.
Gemini: You have a quiet, analytical side, although it’s usually hidden under all the bells, horns and occasional foul-mouthed cockatoo. Dial down the circus and focus on yourself. Turns out you’re more of a bearded lady than a spastic clown.
Cancer: Good things come in small packages, but great things accompany an unlimited Gold card. Stick your hand in your neighbor’s pocket and see what you can score. You could end up with quite a handful.
Leo: Your dreams aren’t broken, they’re just bent out of shape. Iron out those creases and tell those elephant-sized doubts to go away and sit on someone else’s ambition.
Virgo: There’s nothing you can’t fix with bacon, vodka or duct tape. Pack all three for an upcoming weekend. It will end up as something you’ll never forget or two days you’ll never remember.
Libra: Knowing yourself is good, but sometimes even your mind needs a break from you. Put a little mystery in your relationship and avoid the navel-gazing inner journeys for a few days.
Scorpio: You’re a pair of draggy shoes and Monday is shag carpeting; somewhere there’s going to be sparks. If you’re going to get zorched, might as well sneak up on your boss at the same time and share the static.
Sagittarius: Every dog has his day and each wolf has his night, but you’re a coyote-poodle hybrid searching for the perfect mid-afternoon. Get ready, because Thursday gives you a chance to howl at the mailman from the comfort of the couch.
Capricorn: Someone thinks you’re chicken, but you know the henhouse better than they ever could. Strut around like the cock of the walk you are, and tell them to cluck off.
Aquarius: You know all the right moves, but you’re lost in the wrong tune. Drop the depressing 1980s soundtrack and belt out some Taylor Swift. It won’t make you dance any better, but it will embarrass your kids and that’s almost as good.
Pisces: Some days you’re a Cheerio floating in the milk, and other days you’re stuck to the side of the bowl. Life isn’t perfect, but at least you’re not tangled in the dog’s fur and waiting for a toddler to stuff you up his nose.