Aries: Be careful what you wish for, especially when you’re locked in the bathroom and out of toilet paper. Make time to read those 57 free subscriptions to the National Enquirer and US Weekly.

Taurus: There’s a spring in your step on Wednesday, and everywhere you go, you do a little dance. That’s what you get when you dry all your thongs on the high setting for ninety minutes.

Gemini: A great relief comes on Monday when you learn that no one actually expects anything from you. Just aim to wear pants on most days and pay the rent, and you’re good.

Cancer: You have a 2 p.m. appointment with a man in a trench coat. If you’re lucky, it’s Daniel Craig with nothing underneath. If you’re not so lucky, it’s your grandpa with nothing underneath. Better call the retirement home and make sure he’s on his medication, just in case.

Leo: Work has been difficult lately, but that’s no reason to jump atop the water cooler, swing your keyboard and demand the boss walk the plank. First you need to make sure the crew is ready to mutiny, then grab your keyboard.

Virgo: Three-hour meetings in the conference room become a lot easier when you discover the secret word. That word is vodka. Oddly enough, drunk you has better ideas than sober you, so there could be a new project in your future.

Libra: Everyone has a secret passion, but no one expected yours to be creating life-size sculptures of Liam Neeson out of cheese. Obviously you have a particular set of skills.

Scorpio: The best defense is a good offense, so insult your supervisor’s lack of fashion sense before you go in for your annual review. It will make the meeting move a lot faster.

Sagittarius: Your day is filled with sunshine. You should probably get those holes in the roof fixed before you end up with a couch potato tan line.

Capricorn: Every day is a gift, although Monday is an ugly two sizes too small from your great-aunt Gertrude. Accept it with a smile so you can get to the good stuff this weekend.

Aquarius: You’re working that mojo like a steampunk bagpipe, and some hottie is really digging your unique sound. Be careful, don’t strip your gears or toot at the wrong time.

Pisces: On the outside you’re calm, but on the inside you’re screaming like a banshee with a stubbed toe. Take some time and do a little first aid on your inner ouchie before you develop a twitch. Use a Hello Kitty bandage, that always makes things better.