Aries: If you love something, set it free. That makes it more challenging when you throw vegetables at their head for leaving you with all those kids and the dog with the nervous bladder. Soon you’ll be a great pitcher with a mean fastball.
Taurus: You don’t have to aspire to greatness, but you should at least crawl out of bed and work your way to “Meh.” While you’re up, wash those sheets before they’re too stiff to fit in the washing machine.
Gemini: Today you’re in the zone! Could be a “Men Working” Zone or a “Falling Rock” Zone, depending on what you need. If you’re really hard up, you may find yourself in a “It’s Raining Men” Zone.
Cancer: Giggle in the face of adversity and you’ll relieve the tension. Sneeze in its mouth while it’s trying to swallow you and it will quickly let you go. Sometimes being gross works in your favor.
Leo: Relax. You don’t know if it’s a bad day or not until you tear the shrink-wrap off. It could just be weird packaging. Give the day the benefit of the doubt unless you see a big dent in the side. In that case, keep the receipt.
Virgo: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but no one has to use their eyes to realize the wonder of your weirdness. Keep that freak flag flying, because it’s working for you.
Libra: It’s fine to avoid going where everyone knows your name, especially if that name is “Stinky,” “Lumpy” or “Grumphead.” Find a fresh crowd so they can anoint you with a brand new annoying nickname.
Scorpio: Your co-workers will get the shaft on Monday, but you landed on top of the elevator car. Expect the day to be filled with ups and downs until you get off.
Sagittarius: Find your center. Is it filled with inner peace, emotional turmoil or creamy nougat? If it’s the latter, you shouldn’t explore your soul until after lunch.
Capricorn: The world is your oyster, so do as you’re told and shuck it. Karma may feel slimy on the way down, but you’ll appreciate the gourmet treat.
Aquarius: Some people howl at the moon, but you just snort at the TV. Get off the couch and walk the wild side for a change. Fine, take a flashlight and some pepper spray if you’re worried about werewolves or weird dudes with beards.
Pisces: Doing things you don’t like is part of life. If you only did what you wanted, you’d be the world’s expert on “Gilligan’s Island” memorabilia. Suck it up and get your work done, and then you can go back to your Mary Ann sculpture in Legos.