Aries: A watched pot never boils, unlike your toe fungus. Quit staring at your feet and tackle a situation head-on. You’ll be so high on success you won’t worry about people’s comments when you wear those strappy sandals.

Taurus: Take heart, people don’t need to know your name to make you famous. After Thursday, you’ll be forever known as That Dude Who Dropped His Cola and Mentos in the Toilet and Had to Move.

Gemini: Everything’s coming up you, which sounds great but is a little disturbing when all the flowers in the yard have your face in them. Feel free to prune your hedges, but take your meds first.

Cancer: Your office feels like a jungle today. Instead of being jumped by a cougar at the watering hole, tie a few snakes together and swing past the nearest Starbucks. You might be called into Human Resources for inappropriate snake-tying, but the latte will be worth it.

Leo: There’s a new challenge lurking behind Friday. You can either tackle it and kick its butt or run naked and screaming through Saturday night. Either one will provide valuable stress relief.

Virgo: You find your mojo behind a half-eaten Twinkie in the couch. Dust it off and wear it proudly this weekend to attract new hotties. The mojo, not the Twinkie. That would only attract ants.

Libra: Monday looks impossible, but never fear, because you have a plan! Now you only need to find 64 D-cell batteries, a clock shaped like Barry Manilow and a very laidback zebra.

Scorpio: If you can find the bright spot in any scenario, there’s likely someone behind you with a laser pointer. Feel free to call them on their crap, right after you catch that dot.

Sagittarius: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, except the guy who ordered it with two-day shipping on Amazon. Luckily for you, the comfy chair is delivered first.

Capricorn: It’s fine to dance to the beat of your own drum, as long as the drummer isn’t a three-armed gorilla tapping out Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” in Morse code. That will take some explaining while you’re waiting in line at the DMV.

Aquarius: Inside of every plus-size beauty is a bunch of organs and blood vessels and some very lovely feelings. Whoever told you there was a smaller person in there really needs to read an anatomy book. Unless, of course, they are pregnant. In that case, carry on, it will come out on its own.

Pisces: Life is not like the TV remote: you can’t be in control of it all the time. Just let go, fall into the Universe’s arms and hope that Karma isn’t checking her Twitter messages on her phone instead of catching you.

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