You are currently browsing the monthly archive for September 2015.

Aries: Forget those who say there’s no time like the present. Next Tuesday works great, too, especially around 2 p.m. Don’t forget your inflatable platypus and rash ointment.

Taurus: No one knows the troubles you’ve seen, unless you post them on your Instagram. It’s the perfect thing if you want the world to learn your parrot left you and there’s a weird fungus growing on your leg.

Gemini: You’ve got your dancing shoes on, but they don’t mix well with your cookie batter-eating sweatpants. Get your wardrobe on the same page before there’s a fight.

Cancer: All the world’s a stage, but instead of being the star you’re lurking under the floorboards. Quit trying to be the Phantom of the Opera; you’re coming off like a Scooby-Doo lighthouse keeper. Get in the spotlight where you belong.

Leo: You realize you’ve never been a special little snowflake; you’re bigger than that. You’re the sun! Shine on during Wednesday and you’ll melt all those snowflakes in their tracks.

Virgo: Everyone has a book in them, but sometimes it’s because they ate too much paste and paper in Kindergarten. Look inside and see if your book has any actual words in it, or if it’s just a pop-up book about Kanye West.

Libra: Some are born to greatness, some have it thrust upon them, but you slip in it while you’re walking the dog. Enjoy the fame but bring a plastic bag because you can’t get that out of your shoe.

Scorpio: Your boss is pissed, so review your week. Is it because you left a dead bug in his World’s Best Manager mug, or used his computer to download “Hot Lunchroom Ladies 4?” Eh, the man’s a mystery. Leave early on Friday to give him some personal space.

Sagittarius: This week, you don’t have to be the best, but you should do better than a participation ribbon, too. Any effort at all will thrill your family and that third place trophy will look great in the bathroom.

Capricorn:  You try to be a shining star on Monday, but you end up more like a sputtering glow stick. You’re not the brightest, but watching your antics is illuminating. Good thing your co-workers have your therapist on speed dial.

Aquarius: Just your luck; you stop to smell the roses and there’s a bee waiting inside the petals. After the screaming and flailing, the Benadryl nap is nice.

Pisces: You keep treading water, but that long, slow hiss of your deflating arm floaties is starting to wear down your nerves. Don’t worry, the shore is in sight and there’s a cocktail and a massage therapist waiting for you.

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Aries: Be careful what you wish for, especially when you’re locked in the bathroom and out of toilet paper. Make time to read those 57 free subscriptions to the National Enquirer and US Weekly.

Taurus: There’s a spring in your step on Wednesday, and everywhere you go, you do a little dance. That’s what you get when you dry all your thongs on the high setting for ninety minutes.

Gemini: A great relief comes on Monday when you learn that no one actually expects anything from you. Just aim to wear pants on most days and pay the rent, and you’re good.

Cancer: You have a 2 p.m. appointment with a man in a trench coat. If you’re lucky, it’s Daniel Craig with nothing underneath. If you’re not so lucky, it’s your grandpa with nothing underneath. Better call the retirement home and make sure he’s on his medication, just in case.

Leo: Work has been difficult lately, but that’s no reason to jump atop the water cooler, swing your keyboard and demand the boss walk the plank. First you need to make sure the crew is ready to mutiny, then grab your keyboard.

Virgo: Three-hour meetings in the conference room become a lot easier when you discover the secret word. That word is vodka. Oddly enough, drunk you has better ideas than sober you, so there could be a new project in your future.

Libra: Everyone has a secret passion, but no one expected yours to be creating life-size sculptures of Liam Neeson out of cheese. Obviously you have a particular set of skills.

Scorpio: The best defense is a good offense, so insult your supervisor’s lack of fashion sense before you go in for your annual review. It will make the meeting move a lot faster.

Sagittarius: Your day is filled with sunshine. You should probably get those holes in the roof fixed before you end up with a couch potato tan line.

Capricorn: Every day is a gift, although Monday is an ugly two sizes too small from your great-aunt Gertrude. Accept it with a smile so you can get to the good stuff this weekend.

Aquarius: You’re working that mojo like a steampunk bagpipe, and some hottie is really digging your unique sound. Be careful, don’t strip your gears or toot at the wrong time.

Pisces: On the outside you’re calm, but on the inside you’re screaming like a banshee with a stubbed toe. Take some time and do a little first aid on your inner ouchie before you develop a twitch. Use a Hello Kitty bandage, that always makes things better.

Aries: If you love something, set it free. That makes it more challenging when you throw vegetables at their head for leaving you with all those kids and the dog with the nervous bladder.  Soon you’ll be a great pitcher with a mean fastball.

Taurus: You don’t have to aspire to greatness, but you should at least crawl out of bed and work your way to “Meh.” While you’re up, wash those sheets before they’re too stiff to fit in the washing machine.

Gemini: Today you’re in the zone! Could be a “Men Working” Zone or a “Falling Rock” Zone, depending on what you need. If you’re really hard up, you may find yourself in a “It’s Raining Men” Zone.

Cancer: Giggle in the face of adversity and you’ll relieve the tension. Sneeze in its mouth while it’s trying to swallow you and it will quickly let you go. Sometimes being gross works in your favor.

Leo: Relax. You don’t know if it’s a bad day or not until you tear the shrink-wrap off. It could just be weird packaging. Give the day the benefit of the doubt  unless you see a big dent in the side. In that case, keep the receipt.

Virgo: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but no one has to use their eyes to realize the wonder of your weirdness. Keep that freak flag flying, because it’s working for you.

Libra: It’s fine to avoid going where everyone knows your name, especially if that name is “Stinky,” “Lumpy” or “Grumphead.” Find a fresh crowd so they can anoint you with a brand new annoying nickname.

Scorpio: Your co-workers will get the shaft on Monday, but you landed on top of the elevator car. Expect the day to be filled with ups and downs until you get off.

Sagittarius: Find your center. Is it filled with inner peace, emotional turmoil or creamy nougat? If it’s the latter, you shouldn’t explore your soul until after lunch.

Capricorn: The world is your oyster, so do as you’re told and shuck it. Karma may feel slimy on the way down, but you’ll appreciate the gourmet treat.

Aquarius: Some people howl at the moon, but you just snort at the TV. Get off the couch and walk the wild side for a change. Fine, take a flashlight and some pepper spray if you’re worried about werewolves or weird dudes with beards.

Pisces: Doing things you don’t like is part of life. If you only did what you wanted, you’d be the world’s expert on “Gilligan’s Island” memorabilia. Suck it up and get your work done, and then you can go back to your Mary Ann sculpture in Legos.

Aries: A watched pot never boils, unlike your toe fungus. Quit staring at your feet and tackle a situation head-on. You’ll be so high on success you won’t worry about people’s comments when you wear those strappy sandals.

Taurus: Take heart, people don’t need to know your name to make you famous. After Thursday, you’ll be forever known as That Dude Who Dropped His Cola and Mentos in the Toilet and Had to Move.

Gemini: Everything’s coming up you, which sounds great but is a little disturbing when all the flowers in the yard have your face in them. Feel free to prune your hedges, but take your meds first.

Cancer: Your office feels like a jungle today. Instead of being jumped by a cougar at the watering hole, tie a few snakes together and swing past the nearest Starbucks. You might be called into Human Resources for inappropriate snake-tying, but the latte will be worth it.

Leo: There’s a new challenge lurking behind Friday. You can either tackle it and kick its butt or run naked and screaming through Saturday night. Either one will provide valuable stress relief.

Virgo: You find your mojo behind a half-eaten Twinkie in the couch. Dust it off and wear it proudly this weekend to attract new hotties. The mojo, not the Twinkie. That would only attract ants.

Libra: Monday looks impossible, but never fear, because you have a plan! Now you only need to find 64 D-cell batteries, a clock shaped like Barry Manilow and a very laidback zebra.

Scorpio: If you can find the bright spot in any scenario, there’s likely someone behind you with a laser pointer. Feel free to call them on their crap, right after you catch that dot.

Sagittarius: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, except the guy who ordered it with two-day shipping on Amazon. Luckily for you, the comfy chair is delivered first.

Capricorn: It’s fine to dance to the beat of your own drum, as long as the drummer isn’t a three-armed gorilla tapping out Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” in Morse code. That will take some explaining while you’re waiting in line at the DMV.

Aquarius: Inside of every plus-size beauty is a bunch of organs and blood vessels and some very lovely feelings. Whoever told you there was a smaller person in there really needs to read an anatomy book. Unless, of course, they are pregnant. In that case, carry on, it will come out on its own.

Pisces: Life is not like the TV remote: you can’t be in control of it all the time. Just let go, fall into the Universe’s arms and hope that Karma isn’t checking her Twitter messages on her phone instead of catching you.

Aries: Watch out for tall men with pomegranates taped to their foreheads. They have enough problems without you adding to their therapy bill. Save your drama for someone less attached to their produce.

Taurus: If a Bigfoot screams and falls down in the forest, did it really happen? Carry a few Band-Aids in your pocket on Tuesday and find out.

Gemini: Share love and everyone feels better, but sharing misery makes you feel better. On Wednesday, it’s okay to look after yourself. Besides, those too-sunny personalities in your life need a day or two of clouds so they can grab some more sunscreen.

Cancer: Look at your in-laws through rose-colored glasses. A glass or two of Merlot usually does the trick, unless you have a particularly sassy Cabernet. Those visits will be far less painful this week.

Leo: When one door closes, another one opens. Thanks to your lockpicking skills, though, a door is never truly closed. Sneaking in will give you better opportunities, mainly through fresh blackmail material.

Virgo: People say you can be right or you can be happy, but they forget about the third option: cluelessness. Skip through your Monday with wild, air-brained abandon, and you’ll be the envy of everyone who knows better.

Libra: When you’re pushed to your limits, add a patch of Spandex so you can stretch a bit farther. You won’t be stylish, but you’ll get the job done. Reward yourself with a snazzy new pair of sweatpants.

Scorpio: Someone gives you a difficult math problem on Friday. Tell them the solution, and just pat them on the head when they say you’re wrong. Silly people. The answer to any problem is always pie.

Sagittarius: A thought races through your head in the morning. Don’t panic, it’s just looking for a new home. Grab some feed and a sign saying “Free Bird Seed.” You’ll catch those roadrunning thoughts in no time.

Capricorn: Count your blessings, because one may have rolled under the couch. That’s okay, just run it under some cool water to get all the fuzz and melted gummy bears off it.

Aquarius: You’re running at full steam so ignore those who say you’ve gone off half-cocked.  Give them no quarter once you’re arrived at your destination.

Pisces: Life is a dance, but you’re hopeless at the waltz. Go ahead and break out that funky chicken; who wants to be graceful and forgotten when you can be hysterical and a legend in your own time?