Aries: Your sign isn’t “Curves Ahead.” It’s more “Watch Out for Landslides.” That’s fine, just slap down a few orange cones around your knees and enjoy a fresh plate of cookies. Once you quit trying to defy gravity, it really takes the pressure off.

Taurus: You don’t have to be outstanding, but there’s no need to lie down in traffic, either. If you can’t find a happy medium, scout out a grassy median instead.

Gemini: Life is filled with dots; you can connect them and get the bigger picture or panic because you think you have measles. Once the universe starts throwing pencils your way, you’ll finally get a clue.

Cancer: At last, you have a few minutes of peace and quiet. Revel in it for a while, but after 30 minutes you should ask yourself what the kids, spouse and dog are up to. Better take paper towels and bail money when you check it out, just in case.

Leo: “To thine own self be true” works for most days, but Thursday needs a few white lies to make it more fun. Listen to the one saying “That cupcake has no calories” and ignore the one saying “Hey, I bet we could rock a pair of plaid golf pants.”

Virgo: Some people have an inner core of steel; yours is Silly Putty. Ignore the people who say you’re too flexible. They can’t copy a comic strip on their butt cheek just by sitting on it.

Libra: Occasionally you’ll have an idea that’s born to soar, but the one you come up with on Friday will just gurgle and lurch around the nest. If you go all mad scientist and stick bolts in its neck, at least warn the villagers.

Scorpio: Don’t worry about the world being your oyster; the universe knows you have a seafood allergy. However, it may not know about your nut allergy, too, so if the world becomes a peanut butter sandwich, keep an epi pen handy.

Sagittarius: Monday brings you something special, so wear your delighted and surprised face all day. Hopefully it will show up before noon, otherwise your co-workers may think you had too much Botox.

Capricorn: That fierce attitude will take you a long way at work. Use it for small power trips only; larger ones could take you all the way to the unemployment office.

Aquarius: It’s fine to give something a lick and a promise but if you do it to someone, they could get the wrong idea. Don’t be surprised if you receive a saucy text and a few eye-opening photos as well.

Pisces: Most people climb the ladder of success, but you head up through a series of pratfalls and klutz dives. When you get to the top, thank that banana peel.

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