You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August 2015.

Aries: Every rose has not only a thorn, but also a few bees and a crazy price tag. Skip the bouquets and take your sweetie for a roll in the dandelions instead. It’s cheaper and it will confuse the squirrels.

Taurus: You never know what you can do until you try. After that, you’ll realize your peak skills involve sitting on the couch and outwitting a bag of spicy Doritos.

Gemini: You don’t always hear trumpets when the universe sends you a message. Sometimes it’s written in crayon on an old lunch bag and tossed at your head. Duck first, then read.

Cancer: That creative wellspring has thinned from a gusher into a dribble. Find a new spot where creativity flows and give up drilling. If you go too deep, you’ll run into some ticked-off mole men.

Leo: Quit carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, it’s terrible for your posture. If you can’t let go, invest in some wheeled luggage and head down the stairs. Those hangers-on might jump off if the ride gets too bumpy.

Virgo: Every day is a fresh start, except for Thursday. That one still has Wednesday’s orange peels and coffee stains all over it. Scrub it down before you flop your latest ideas on it.

Libra: It’s better to look like something the cat dragged in instead of something it ate then threw up in your shoes at 2 a.m. The best scenario is to stay away from the cat unless you have an extra catnip mouse on you.

Scorpio: Your Monday is a lot like a Celine Dion song: heartfelt, soaring and is the result of slamming your boat against some ice. Enjoy the music, but also keep an eye out on that iceberg ahead.

Sagittarius: You know the score, now if you could only find the game. Forget baseball and soccer: your score is likely tied to a Quidditch Beer Pong game in Newark, New Jersey. Dress appropriately.

Capricorn: Not every Thunderdome needs a warrior; some of them just need rainbows. Show off your true colors and you’ll win people over. If that doesn’t work, reveal the leprechaun in your pants.

Aquarius: Some days you’re the neon-dyed cereal, other days you’re the prize. Basically, you’re winning this week no matter where you fall out of the box. Feel free to spill some of your awesomeness on everyone else.

Pisces: Don’t worry about getting your groove back; you never lost it in the first place. It’s just a few levels up from that rut you’ve been trudging. Look around and you’ll spy the stairs.

Aries: Your sign isn’t “Curves Ahead.” It’s more “Watch Out for Landslides.” That’s fine, just slap down a few orange cones around your knees and enjoy a fresh plate of cookies. Once you quit trying to defy gravity, it really takes the pressure off.

Taurus: You don’t have to be outstanding, but there’s no need to lie down in traffic, either. If you can’t find a happy medium, scout out a grassy median instead.

Gemini: Life is filled with dots; you can connect them and get the bigger picture or panic because you think you have measles. Once the universe starts throwing pencils your way, you’ll finally get a clue.

Cancer: At last, you have a few minutes of peace and quiet. Revel in it for a while, but after 30 minutes you should ask yourself what the kids, spouse and dog are up to. Better take paper towels and bail money when you check it out, just in case.

Leo: “To thine own self be true” works for most days, but Thursday needs a few white lies to make it more fun. Listen to the one saying “That cupcake has no calories” and ignore the one saying “Hey, I bet we could rock a pair of plaid golf pants.”

Virgo: Some people have an inner core of steel; yours is Silly Putty. Ignore the people who say you’re too flexible. They can’t copy a comic strip on their butt cheek just by sitting on it.

Libra: Occasionally you’ll have an idea that’s born to soar, but the one you come up with on Friday will just gurgle and lurch around the nest. If you go all mad scientist and stick bolts in its neck, at least warn the villagers.

Scorpio: Don’t worry about the world being your oyster; the universe knows you have a seafood allergy. However, it may not know about your nut allergy, too, so if the world becomes a peanut butter sandwich, keep an epi pen handy.

Sagittarius: Monday brings you something special, so wear your delighted and surprised face all day. Hopefully it will show up before noon, otherwise your co-workers may think you had too much Botox.

Capricorn: That fierce attitude will take you a long way at work. Use it for small power trips only; larger ones could take you all the way to the unemployment office.

Aquarius: It’s fine to give something a lick and a promise but if you do it to someone, they could get the wrong idea. Don’t be surprised if you receive a saucy text and a few eye-opening photos as well.

Pisces: Most people climb the ladder of success, but you head up through a series of pratfalls and klutz dives. When you get to the top, thank that banana peel.

Aries: You’re wondering about an outcome on your work situation. Only time will tell, but you can keep that tattletale quiet with a steady stream of chocolates. The only way to keep Time’s big mouth shut is to give it a bigger butt.

Taurus: Knowing what you want is fine, but now you have to figure out how to get it. Try diplomacy instead of a giant butterfly net, because those nets are easy to chew through.

Gemini: Your hands are full; only you know whether that’s a good thing or not. Are they occupied with stressful, mind-harrowing work or Daniel Craig’s butt? You’ll know when to let go.

Cancer: You’re ready for a life-changing event, but do you have your makeup on? These days, the journey of a thousand steps usually begins with a selfie. Try not to fall over while making your duck face.

Leo: Like a phone flashlight app, you shine brightly in dark situations. That’s great if you’re trying to walk up the driveway, not so much if someone’s attempting to sleep. Tone down your glow for a few hours and recharge your battery.

Virgo: It’s best to know your own heart before you jump into a new situation. Otherwise, you’ll have to rely on your spleen for introductions during a tense moment, which would be awkward for everyone.

Libra: Some say love is a many-splendored thing, but wiser minds know it’s also a many-splintered thing as well. It’s fine to dance through the daisies when you’re in love, just don’t go barefoot.

Scorpio: Every day is a wild new adventure, but at this point, you’d love a quiet, boring week inside an air-conditioned cubicle with a mini-coffee pot and good Internet. Hang in there, because dull wishes do come true.

Sagittarius: Thursday isn’t quite like walking on Legos in the dark, it’s more like falling in them face-first. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine as long as you keep your mouth shut and break your fall with the bean bag chair that someone forgot to put away for the fourth day in a row.

Capricorn: Can’t find your bliss? It’s probably under that pile of dirty laundry in your bedroom. If you haven’t found it by the time you’ve washed, dried, folded and put it all away, you’ve at least earned the wifi password for the day.

Aquarius: Saturday is a shell game. You’ll get three chances, but only one of them is a real opportunity to make money. Study the universe’s hands before you decide, or just kick the universe in the knee and grab what’s yours.

Pisces: Even fishies can get waterlogged by rough seas, but take heart: you’re swimming into calm waters now. Hop on board someone’s party barge for a break, because you’ve earned it.

Aries: You can draw more flies with honey but who needs more flies? Try cooking up something that draws more geese, especially if they lay golden eggs.

Taurus: Go outside and quit watching the clock. You’ll feel better, and so will your timepiece. It’s starting to get paranoid. If you’re really wondering what your clock is up to, buy a security camera.

Gemini: That ghost haunting your brain isn’t one big worry; it’s just lots of little ones standing on each other’s shoulders under a sheet. Whip the linen off them and set them straight.

Cancer: You’re relaxed, cool and oh-so-comfortable. Obviously you haven’t seen any of your family today. Worry about the kids and the in-laws later; right now you have a playdate with a margarita.

Leo: Some people can’t see the forest for the trees. You can’t see the finish line because of all the goals you’ve set for yourself. Kick a few to the curb so you can run across the tape and feel accomplished.

Virgo:  If there’s a song in your heart, it’s because your iPod slipped in your running bra again. Fish it out and give it some fresh air, but keep the girls in place unless you want some instant Facebook fame.

Libra: Someone wants you to know your place, but they’ve forgotten theirs. Duct tape them to the side of a Google Street View car and they’ll remember soon enough.

Scorpio: You feel like a rat in a maze, except you didn’t get any cheese or the chance to cause a bad restaurant review on Yelp! Shake off that bad mood, because tomorrow there’s plenty of cheddar and screaming women on tables.

Sagittarius: Sometimes it’s not about the destination or the journey; it’s just wondering where your luggage ended up. Be patient, because your toothbrush and Smurf underwear are partying it up in Paris.

Capricorn: Every day is a new beginning, which is handy because what you did last night ended up on YouTube. Don’t worry about that, though; just find out who emailed the link to your boss.

Aquarius: You are a summer flower, sparkling in the morning dew but kinda saggy and drooping in the 3 p.m. heat. Find some air conditioning and take root or you’ll sweat your petals off.

Pisces: Rolling with the flow would be easier if your life wasn’t full of sharp edges and corners. Invest in a bubble wrap suit and the trip will be much better, plus you have some built-in stress relievers.

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