Aries: Thursday’s bark is worse than its bite, but Friday’s slobber is just gross. Scratch the weekend behind its ears and it will roll over for you. Remember to give it a treat on Sunday night.
Taurus: At last, you have the answer. Unfortunately, the only person asking the question is stuck in Singapore traffic and his cell phone battery is dead. If you want to share your knowledge, consider a carrier pigeon or message ferret.
Gemini: This week is a candy store, and the shopkeeper just handed you the key. Stuff your pockets with goodies, tip your hat in thanks and make your escape before anyone notices how much chocolate you’re packing in your pants.
Cancer: Your boss is giving you that look. Either she’s found your mistake, or it’s allergy season again. Either way, bring tissues and vodka to the office. If you’re lucky, she’ll forget it all over a few liquid lunches.
Leo: While you’re staring at the sky and waiting for your mind to clear, remember the last time you chased your own tail this hard. You were so dizzy, the Kardashians seemed like Einstein in comparison. Take a few breaths and avoid circles.
Virgo: Life is beautiful, especially if you squint and you’re not too picky. Think of Friday as last call; you’ll get something that seems like a good idea at the time. Afterward you can say “Hey, that happened.”
Libra: Everyone’s swimming in the deep end, and you’re still dogpaddling with your pool noodle. You can take a chance with the big boys or just take comfort that sharks avoid the shallow end because they dislike swimming in pee.
Scorpio: You know what you want, but do you know what you need? The ultimate satellite sports package isn’t that much fun without electricity. Or food. Prioritize and you’ll be eating Cheetos with all the lights on and loving it.
Sagittarius: Your sweetie is dropping some heavy hints. Be glad that one just landed on your foot and not on your head. Take them somewhere nice this weekend, preferably a place where you don’t have to walk, at least until you can feel your toes again.
Capricorn: It’s good to know your shortcomings, but you don’t have to slow dance with them. Take a break for some punch; confidence may ask you for the next dance.
Aquarius: That million-dollar idea sounds impressive, but does the world really need another mousetrap? No. A smartwatch that turns into a light saber? Yes, please.
Pisces: Juggling isn’t your forte, so put down the chain saws. If you’re going to throw things in the air and catch them, make it something on your skill level. Like dust bunnies.