Aries: You’re not paranoid if they’re really out to get you. Luckily, the only one throwing you shade this week is the dog, but you’ll be safe. Once he gets that cone of shame removed, however, watch your step.

Taurus: April rain brings May flowers, but July rain just means the ants are wearing life vests. Take your picnic indoors unless you want to be boarded by tiny pirates sailing the high seas of your lawn in a cereal box.

Gemini: A wise old man once said it’s better to be quiet and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. The man obviously wasn’t on Twitter.  Keep some Purell nearby if you get your hands dirty smacking a few online trolls.

Cancer: You’ve got more goosebumps than an exotic dancer with a cold pole. Could be something exciting heading your way, and it’s more than just a new g-string.

Leo: Patience is a virtue, but it also makes a great helmet, a snazzy coat and a very fetching messenger bag. Make it your latest designer label, and you’ll get compliments every day.

Virgo: No one likes a sore loser, but a testy winner isn’t a lot of laughs, either. If you’re too cranky to play the game, retreat to your lair and read a good book. Your fellow players—and their shins—will thank you.

Libra: The time for action is now, but where do you point it? Put on some clothes before you put someone’s eye out, and you’ll find yourself a sweetie soon enough. All the hotties love a sharp dressed you.

Scorpio: No one said life is easy, but you would at least expect all the knobs to be marked better. Remember, righty-tighty, lefty loosey works in almost any situation.

Sagittarius: If money seems to be slipping through your fingers, there may be a connection between the cat, your smartphone and your credit card. After all, it’s not the goldfish buying new levels for MiceCapades Extreme in the app store. Time to change your password.

Capricorn: You have a near-miss with a juggler on a unicycle and you’re heckled by a passing mime on Wednesday. The circus may have you under surveillance, check your closet for lions with microphones and apologize for what you did with those clowns.

Aquarius: Tuesday will be a rather awesome day, and not even the universe knows why. Hey, it happens. Enjoy the randomness of being on everyone’s good side for a change.

Pisces: If things are looking up, you suspect it’s because a meteor is heading this way. Relax, that crater will happen at least four feet away from you.

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